EYE-BALL JokeZone – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – III’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – III: Posted 4th Nov ’11

Pullin’ Out: One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.” Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.” Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!” _______________________________ No Title: Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. “Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie.” “I don’t fucking want one,” declared Johnny. The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny’s mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny’s mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him “Here Little Johnny…It’s time for your cookie.” “I don’t fucking want one,” stated Little Johnny again.. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, “See? Did you hear what he said?” “So don’t fucking give him one,” said Little Johnny’s mother.. _______________________________ Good for the Goose: Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, “Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -” The mother held up her hand and said, “Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.” The father comes home and the wife tells him that she’s leaving him.. “But why?” croaks the husband. “Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me.” “Well,” said little Johnny, “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob. _______________________________ Confusion: Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents’ bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on.. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.. “Daddy, what are you doing?” asked little Johnny.. His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.. “I, um, I’m just checking out the bathroom for mice.” replied his father.. Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, “Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?” _______________________________ No Title: Johnny (aged 8 ) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don’t want to make fun of Johnny so they ask him “How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?” He replies “Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do OK” His father says “That’s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?” Johnny answers “Well, so far, we’ve been lucky . . . ” _______________________________ Links to More Little Johnny Jokes: Link to “More Little Johhny Jokes” – I Link to “More Little Johhny Jokes” – II _______________________________ Most Popular/Most Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Nov 2011: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1 Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL JokeZone – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – II’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – II: Posted 4th Nov ’11

Swearing Problem: Little Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he swore he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. Two days before Christmas Johnny’s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, “I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right f@#kin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherf@#kin’ train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed f@#kin’ bike leaning up against the damn garage!” Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, “So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?” Johnny replied, “I think I got a goddamned dog but I can’t find the son of a bitch.” _______________________________ What’s What: Little Johnny comes home from school one arvo and his dad calls him over and gives him a dollar. “Johnny, go down to the hardware store and get me a dollar’s worth of what’s what.” he says. So off Johnny races, down to the hardware store. “I’ll have a dollar’s worth of what’s what.” he says to the store owner. The owner, realising he’s on a wild goose chase, tells him you can only get what’s what from the butcher. So Little Johnny races off to the butcher’s shop. This goes on for about an hour when finally he ends up at the local brothel, where he walks in to one of the hookers sunning her pussy. “My God!” Johnny cries. “What on earth is that?” he yells, pointing at her pussy. “What’s what ?” she asks him. “Great” Johnny replies “I’ll have a dollar’s worth, thanks.” _______________________________ Cross Dressing: Little johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.” So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. – First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse… so unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. – Ok, now take off my skirt…and he takes off her skirt. – Now take off my bra…which he does. – And now, Johnny, please take off my panties, and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!” _______________________________ The Meaning of Stone: Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and back yards they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards, where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, suddenly Billy started to scream and took off running for home. He ran so fast that his 2 friends, trying to catch him were soon left far behind. The next day, as they came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. again, after just a few minutes, Billy started screaming, and took off like a shot. On the third day, Johnny and tommy agreed on a plan. They would be between Billy and home if he started to run, and they would find out what the problem was. Just as before, Billy could only look for a few minutes then he started to run for home. This time, Johnny and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. “My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone. I started to feel something getting awfully hard …” _______________________________ No Title: Little Johnny’s mother sent Little Johnny to the store to get a loaf of bread.. Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.. Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, “This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny.” He walks up to Little Johnny and says, “I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?” Little Johnny replies, “A loaf of bread Father.” _______________________________ Links to More Little Johnny Jokes: Link to “More Little Johhny Jokes” – I Link to “More Little Johhny Jokes” – III _______________________________ Most Popular/Most Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Nov 2011: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – More Little Johnny Jokes -1 Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL JokeZone PPS – Who Screwed the most People …

EYE-BALL JokeZone PPS 16 – Who Screwed the most People … Updated 3rd Nov 11

This is a political statement … bear in mind that it is humour … Video Sent in by Adian B. It’s not a large file – 4mb in size. Format: pps [power point presentation with audio] Enjoy … Can be viewed by clicking here:    Name: Who Screwed the most people … _______________________________ Most Popular/Most Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Nov 2011: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – Little Johnny Jokes Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL JokeZone PPS – Tibetan Psychology Test …

EYE-BALL JokeZone PPS – Tibetan Psychology Test … Updated 3rd Nov 11

This is a inter-active PPS file … Sent in by Warwick M. It’s not a large file – .3mb in size. Format: pps [power point presentation with audio] Enjoy … Can be viewed by clicking here:    Name: Who Screwed the most people … _______________________________ Most Popular/Most Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Nov 2011: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – Little Johnny Jokes Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL JokeZone PPS – Modern Day Architecture:

EYE-BALL JokeZone PPS – Modern Day Architecture – Updated 3rd Nov 11

A visually stunning array of modern Architecture from around the World.   If these buildings are real – and all evidence points as a positive – they are stunning and we are already in the 21st century and on our way to magnificence …Video Sent in by Adian B. It’s not a large file – 5.9mb in size. Format: pps [power point presentation with audio] Enjoy … Can be viewed by clicking here:    Name: Modern Day Architecture _______________________________ Most Popular/Most Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Nov 2011: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – Little Johnny Jokes Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL JokeZone PPS – Native American Sculptures:

EYE-BALL JokeZone PPS – Native American Sculptures – Updated 3rd Nov ’11

This is beautiful – to a soundtrack that resonates the pointedness of the history and culture that is revisited.  It is a series of high quality photo’s of American Native Indians  done in paper sculpture … a great visual display that is something you don’t see everyday. Video Sent in by Adian B. It’s not a large file – 4mb in size. Format: pps [power point presentation with audio] Enjoy … Can be viewed by clicking here:    Name: Native American Sculptures _______________________________ Most Popular/Most Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Nov 2011: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – Little Johnny Jokes Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Blond Jokes – III’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Blond Jokes – III: Updated 3rd Nov ’11

Blond Builder: Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She’d reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.The other blonde couldn’t stand it any longer and yelled up, “Why are you throwing some of the nails away?” The first blonde explained, “When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it’s pointed toward me I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it!” The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, “Don’t throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house!!” _______________________________ Can’t Count: A brunette is standing in the middle of a highway jumping back and forth over the median repeating, “39, 39, 39, 39…” A blonde walks up to her and says real matter-of-factly, “I can do that.” The brunette replies, “No you can’t,” and continues jumping and saying 39. After a few more minutes, the blonde says again that she can do it, so the brunette stops and tells the blonde to go ahead. The blonde starts jumping and saying “39, …39, uh…39, um-uh, oh yeah 39.” Then the blonde trips and falls and gets run over by a truck. The brunette starts jumping again saying “40, 40, 40…” _______________________________ Vending Machine: In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: “Can’t you see I’m winning?” _______________________________ She was so blond: She sent me a fax with a stamp on it, she thought a quarterback was a refund, she tripped over a cordless phone, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind, she got stabbed in a shoot-out she told someone to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DONT WALK” they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”, she put “Sagittarius” if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved _______________________________ Cheating: A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and points to her own head. The boyfriend yells “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blond replies “Shut up, you’re next.” _______________________________ Rowboat: Two blondes were driving in the country when one of them spots another blonde sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a corn field rowing like crazy. She turns to her friend and says “It’s blondes like that who give us a bad name.” “You’re right” she says “If I could swim I’d go out there and drown the bitch.” _______________________________ Most Popular/Most Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Nov 2011: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – Little Johnny Jokes Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – IV’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – IV: Updated 3rd Nov ’11

Pope and Cardinals: The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.”The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. “Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus. “Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!” “No.” said Nicklaus, “I came in second to Rabbi Woods.” _______________________________ Missionary in the Jungle: A missionary who was journeying up the Amazon decided to teach his native guide a few words of English. First, he pointed to various objects in the rain forest and gave their names. The guide dutifully repeated them and the missionary was quite pleased, until they happened to pass two people making love on the riverbank. Embarrassed, the man of God said, “Man riding bicycle.” The native immediately drew his bow and let an arrow fly. “Man riding my bicycle!” he exclaimed! _______________________________ Priest and a Rabbi: A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I’m blessing it,” the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, “Oh,” and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hack saw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe. _______________________________ Confessional F-Word: A man walks into confessional and says, “Forgive me Father for I have sinned…” The priest replies, “What is it that brings you here?” “Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend.” “Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary’s and may the Lord be with you.” The man replies, “but I really need to talk about it.” “Let’s have it then,” the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench. You see Father, “I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees.” “And that’s when you cursed aloud?” the Father queried. “No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree.” “That must have been when you cursed?” “No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!” “And that’s when you cursed aloud,” the priest said assuredly. “No, no..” The Father interjected, “Don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt!” _______________________________ Flight to Rome: A Catholic Priest and a Minister were sitting next to each other on a flight to Rome. The stewardess walked past their seats and asked them if either would like something to drink. “I’ll have a gin and lemon” the priest replied. “And how about you, sir?” the stewardess asked the minister. “Not for me thanks” he replied. “I’d rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.” With that, the priest tugged the stewardess’s sleeve. “Excuse me miss, can I change my order? I didn’t realise we had a choice.” _______________________________ Pearly Gates and the Cab Driver: A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.” The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby.” St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.” _______________________________ The 8th Day: On the eighth day God came to Adam to give him tidings. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, he said. Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.” Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to pass exams, invent the wheel, master the art of lighting a barbecue, create new artefacts, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your kind in my image and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children, which are rather noisy and smelly small people but you’ll get to like them.” Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are wondrous gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?” God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow. “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.” _______________________________ The Free Haircut A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. “No charge, Father,” the barber said. “I consider it a service to the Lord.” when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. A few days later a police officer came in. “How much do I owe you?” the cop asked after his haircut. “No charge, officer,” the barber answered. “I consider it a service to my community.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. “How much do I owe you?” he asked afterward. “No charge,” the barber replied. “I consider it a service to my country.” The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop. _______________________________ Best/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – Little Johnny Jokes Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – III’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – III’: Last Updated 2nd Nov ’11

Politics: A Republican, a Libertarian, and a Democrat are seated separately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in; unbeknownst to any of them, it is Jesus. The Republican summons the waiter and asks him to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab; the waiter does so. The Libertarian asks the waiter to please serve the poor man iced tea and to put it on his tab. The waiter does so. The Democrat then asks the waiter to bring the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and to put it on his tab. When Jesus is finished eating, He goes over to the Republican and says, “I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat. Thank you. I see you are blind.” and He touches the man’s eye, and it is healed. Jesus then goes over to the Libertarian and says, “I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink. Thank you. I see you have a bad arm.” and He touches the man’s arm, and it is healed. Then Jesus walks over to the Democrat. The Democrat moves far back from Jesus and exclaims, “Don’t touch me!! I’m on 100% disability!!” _______________________________ Local Orphanage: A nun who ran the local orphanage called in three girls who had just turned 18, and were therefore about to be unleashed on the world as adults. “You are women now,” she began, “So I must warn you about the ways of the men of the world. They will take you out dining and drinking, take you back to their abodes, take off all of your clothes, have sloppy sex with you, and then give you some money and send you away.” One of the girls looked back at her wide-eyed and needed to confirm part of what she had just heard. “You mean men of the world will have sex with us and pay us with cash?” “Yes, my child. I am afraid it is true.” “Well, Alright! All the cheap-assed priests ever paid us with was candy!” _______________________________ Jesus and Moses: Jesus and Moses are out in a boat on a lake remembering the good ole’ days. Moses was wondering if he still had it and he snaped his fingers. Whoosh! The waters parted and the boat fell to the bottom, Jesus rolls almost out of the boat. Moses laughs and snaps his fingers. The waters come back and returns the boat to the top. Jesus, not one to be made the better of, stands up and takes a step out of the boat on to the water and starts to do a little dance, until he starts to wobble terribly to a point he falls back in the boat. Moses just laughs and says, “It’s not the same with those holes in your feet is it?!?” _______________________________ The Priest’s Bath: It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. “Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.” “Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun. “Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Keyto Heaven.” “Did he now?” said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.” “Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly. “At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.” “That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!” _______________________________ Confessional Mixup: An elderly priest was upset with the things he was hearing during Saturday confessions. After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his congregation, “I’m tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me “I have cheated with Anthony…I have cheated with Mary…I have cheated with Frankie.’ I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when you come into my confessional, you will say ‘I have fallen with Anthony, or with Mary, or with Frankie.’ No more the word CHEAT. It will be FALL.” About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger man. No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in the confessional. After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions, the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, “Mr. Mayor, you are going to have to do something about the deplorable condition of the streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they are falling all over the place.” The mayor immediately understood the problem, and he leaned back in his chair and laughed. The priest was puzzled, and said, “Mr. Mayor, you shouldn’t be laughing! Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times.!” _______________________________ Trip to Hell: One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil. Devil: Why so glum? Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell. Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man? Guy: Sure I love to drink. Devil: We’ll you’re gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that’s all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab… We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay…you’re already dead! Guy: No way! Devil: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We’ve even opened up a Pai Gow poker table. Guy: Hmmm, I’ve never played pai gow before … Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don’t mean … Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It’s okay! You’re already dead!! Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!! Devil: So… are you gay? Guy: Uh, no. Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays! _______________________________ Best/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – Little Johnny Jokes Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – II’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – II’: Updated 3rd Nov ’11

God’s Wrath: God decides that he has had enough of mankind. In a crash of thunder, he yanked up to heaven three of the world’s most influencial men, Bill Gates, Bris Yeltsin and Bill Clinton.God boomed “The Human Race is a complete dissapointment and you each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the earth.” Upon returning to earth Clinton immediately called his cabinet and said “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there is a god, but the bad news is that he plans to end the world in a week.” Yeltsin called his comrades and said “I have bad news and worst news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a god and the worst news is that he’s going to end the world in week.” Gates calles a meeting of his engineers and said “I have good news and better news. The good news is that god considers me one of the world’s most influential man, the better news is that we don’t have to fix windows ’95.” _______________________________ Oral Sex Epidemic: “Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?” God asked. “I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There’s drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it – a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I’m afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.” “Hmmm,” God said thoughtfully, “Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?” “I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity.” replied St. Peter. “That is an effective solution,” God stated, “but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let’s send a letter that’s personally signed by me to each one of these good people.” And so they did. Do you know what the letter said? Hmmm…You didn’t get the letter either, huh? _______________________________ Confessional Mixup: Father O’leary is doing confession one Sunday when he realizes he has to pee. He peeks his head out of the confessional and sees a group of altar boys sitting in the pews. He calls out for one and asks the little boy to take his place while he goes to the bathroom, “Whenever they enter, allow them to confess, and using this list, give them the appropriate repentance.” There’s a list posted on his side of the confessional. “For theft, 6 hail-marys. For murder, 12 hail-marys and an hour of silent prayer, and so on, ya got it.” The boy nods and proceeds to wait. Along comes a lady who enters the confessional and begins “Father, it’s been 2 weeks since my last confession.” The boy, in a low, manly voice responds “Yes, go on my child.” She continues to tell him that she gave a blowjob to a man who was not her husband. The boy scans the list saying to himself “Blowjob, blowjob, where’s the friggin blowjob”. Well there’s no listing for blowjob, so he looks out and asks Tony, another altar boy, “Hey Tony, what does Father O’leary give for a blowjob?” Tony goes, “A handful of Gummi Bears and a Snickers bar.” _______________________________ The Missionary’s Lesson: A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!” The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrance – what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.” The chief pauses for a moment then says “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child.” _______________________________ Best/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – Little Johnny Jokes Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Blond Jokes’ – II

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Blond Jokes’ – II: Updated 3rd Nov ’11

Jigsaw Puzzle:   Two blonds walked into a bar and ordered a beer. When the bartender served them the beers he overheard them say, “56 days” and the two blonds gave each other a high five. The bartender wondered what was going on but he just ignored it. After a while the two blonds ordered another round and when the bar-tender was serving them the beers, they again said, “56 days” and preceded with a high 5. The bartender was curious, “Are you girls celebrating something?” he asked. One of the blonds answered, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it took us 56 days to complete it.” “That must have been a tough puzzle.” said the bartender. “Yes it was,” said the other blond. “On the box it said 2 to 4 years.” _______________________________ First Class: A blonde girl was on an airplane sitting up in first class, the flight attendant approached her and said, “excuse me Miss, but this is not your seat, you can’t sit up here…” The blonde girl said, “yes I can! I told my travel agent I wanted a first class ticket for Hawaii, so im NOT moving!!!” The flight attendant kept pursuing the issue, telling her she had to move back to coach… Finally, the flight attendant went up to the pilot and told him the situation, and he said he would take care of it. So the pilot walks up to the blonde girl, whispers something in her ear, and to the flight attendants surprise, the blonde girl gets all of her stuff, and moves back into coach. The flight attendant is astonished, and asks the pilot, “How the hell did you do that?  I’ve been begging and pleading with that girl for about an hour now!!” The pilot shrugged and simply said: “Well it was easy, I just told her that this part of the airplane(first class) didn’t go to Hawaii, only the coach did. _______________________________ When is Easter: Three blondes just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, “WHAT IS EASTER?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy, it’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…” “WRONG,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “WHAT IS EASTER?” The second blonde replies, “No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the ………….the birth of…….. of Jesus.” St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third blonde and asks, “WHAT IS EASTER?” The third blonde smiles and looks St. Peter in the eye. “I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter.” _______________________________ Suicide Decision: Judi (a.k.a. dumb blonde) walked into the doctors office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound! Judi said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, and first stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don’t want to ruin it, so I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don’t want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don’t want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud… _______________________________ Most Popular/Most Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Nov 2011: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – Little Johnny Jokes Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index: