EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Baked Beans’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Baked Beans’: Posted 6th Nov ’11

Baked Beans: Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself “She’ll never go for me carrying on like that,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he ‘putt-putted’. He ‘putted’ down one hill and ‘putt-putted’ up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and ‘rrriiiipppp!’ It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard the ‘phone farewells’ (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “Surprise!!” To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. _______________________________

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The EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!!  If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 9’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 9: Posted  6th Nov ’11

A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office. The doctor asked them “what can I do for you?” The man replied “will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doc looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “there’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex” and he charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex, and leave after paying the doctor. Finally the doctor asked, “just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old man said “we’re not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can’t go to her house. I am married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $76. We do it here for $32. and I get back $28 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office.” _______________________________ On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks : “and get me a whisky you cow.” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls : “and get me another whisky you bitch.” Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach : “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll give you a slap”. Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says : “for someone who can’t fly you’re a cheeky bastard ?” _______________________________ A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. “Are you the publican?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no” he replies. “Can you get him for me? – I need to speak to him.” she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies.” _______________________________ A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit. 9 Iron” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. “Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog reply’s “Ribbit. Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “Ribbit. 3 wood.” The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom ! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog reply, “Ribbit. Las Vegas.” So, they go to “Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit. $3000,black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golfgame, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me.” He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.” _______________________________ A Chinese woman on vacation in London goes to the bank to change some Hong Kong dollars into pounds. She asks what the exchange rate is, and the teller says, “HK$12.50 for 1 British pound.” She goes ahead and changes some money. The next day she needs some more money and goes back to the bank. This time the teller says, “HK$12.80 for 1 British pound.” The Chinese woman says, “What’s going on? Yesterday it was only $12.50 and now today it’s $12.80!” The snotty British teller says, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese woman retorts, “Well, fluck you Caucasians too!” _______________________________ An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” The girl tells him that he CAN’T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, “Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!” Myrtle whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…..you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.” Agnes says, “I KNOW……but this one’s eating my POPCORN!!” _______________________________ An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair, a pierced nose ring, and colored eye makeup. After a few moments, the young man turned to the old guy and said, “What’s the matter, Pops, ain’t you ever done anything wild?” The old man smiled and said “Well, yes, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. . . and, I couldn’t help wondering if you might be my son.” _______________________________ Best/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – Little Johnny Jokes Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 8’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 8: Posted  6th Nov ’11

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.” The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma.” The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street — she never felt a thing. A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, “God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy.” His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn’t concentrate, however, thinking about those words, “Goodbye Daddy.” He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, “What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing — the milkman dropped dead on the back porch.” _______________________________ When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be the Boss. The Brain said, “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be Boss”. The Hand said, “Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be Boss”. The Eyes said, “Since I must look out for all of you and tell your where the dangar lurks, I should be Boss.” And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, the Feet, the Lungs, and finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded to be the Boss. All other parts laughed at the idea of the Asshole being Boss. The Asshole was so enraged that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak, the Hands hung limpy at the side, the Heart and Lungs struggled just to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to let the Asshole be Boss. And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the Asshole just bossed around and passed out a lot of shit. The Moral of the story: You don’t have to be a brain to be the boss. You just have to be an asshole. _______________________________ A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.” When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. “Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.” _______________________________ A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls really wanted to serve him, So finally they drew lots and Mitzi was unlucky and went up to the room with him. A minute later, there was a loud scream. The Madam and all of the girls charged up the staircase and into the room. Mitzi lay on the floor in a dead faint. Standing next to the bed was the midget, nude and with a three foot cock hanging down and almost touching the floor. The girls were dumbfounded by the sight. Finally, one of them regained her composure to say, “Sir, would you mind if we felt it? We’ve never seen anything like that before.” The midget sighed. “Okay, honey; But only touching. No sucking. I used to be six feet tall.” _______________________________ While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a check up. “How’s your sex life?” the doctor asked. “Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief. But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects.” “What’s that that?” the doctors asked anxiously. “Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on.” _______________________________ An old man and his wife were listening to their favorite radio evangelist, who promised, “With God’s incredible powers behind me, I can heal anything! Place one hand on the radio and the other on that which you want healed, and IT SHALL BE HEALED!” The old woman put one hand on the radio and the other on her heart. The old man put one hand on the radio and the other on his pants. The woman said, “Uh, honey, he said he could HEAL, not BRING BACK FROM THE DEAD!” _______________________________ A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note…. Romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Searsand bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note: My Dearest, I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been foryour sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All My Love P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. _______________________________ Best/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog: A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending] YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets … Various – Little Johnny Jokes Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’ Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

EYE-BALL’s Harry’s Growl – 6th Nov 2011 Update

Title: Harry’s Growl – 6th Nov 2011 Update – A weekly “GROWL” – is like a good ‘crap’ … lets all the foul smells in our world free …

This week in Australian Politics was like reading the dirty side of used toilet paper. QANTAS  and ‘who knew what’ and ‘when they knew it’ seemed to be the ‘hide the salami’ game.  Denials and admissions from both sides and then the rebuttals of those comments and accusations all filled the daily’s and their need for journo copy. To summarise the content coming from Canberra as a ‘dogs breakfast’ of mixed messages and ‘much ado about nothing makes this Journo’s job all the harder.  When the scraps left to us are trolled – no wonder journalists are making it up as they go along to  keep their Editor’s happy. The QANTAS Wash-up: The announcement of a $20 million ‘free’ giveaways to QANTAS flyers – an effort to win back the ticket buyers and public opinion – puts the scope of CEO Joyce’s decision to shut down the airline into a packaged monetary perspective. Much has been commented on and talked about in the past week about this dispute.  Nobody has raised the context debate where this $20 million is on Joyce’s head – had he not elected to ‘shutdown’ the airline – as he admitted in a Senate hearing during the week under questioning from Independent Senate Nick Xenophon – [link to Senate transcript of hearing] – the ‘shutdown’ decision was his decision entirely – therefore the $20 million being spent now to win back the lost loyalty can only be on attributed to his individual decision as the CEO.   Does he have the discretionary authority to spend $20 to cover for his decision? Nobody is reporting this slant on the story – would QANTAS be spending this money if the Airline was not grounded?  QANTAS shareholders are not being asked whether this ‘save the Brand name’ advertising spend is warranted given the CEO’s decision to shut down the airline. On a different slant – the ABC’s ‘Insiders’ this morning had a fool journo on the panel – Michael Stutchbury from the “Australian” – his ABC Insiders bio reads – [Michael Stutchbury is Economics Editor of The Australian and has been writing for national newspapers on the Australian economy, business and politics for more than quarter of a century. He was formerly Editor of The Australian and a Washington correspondent.] The ‘Insiders’ program offers so much and often does – but the rotating Journalists and their pet ‘hates’ and egos are always on show – Mr Stutchbury offered an opinion about the breath and growth of industrial disputes in recent years – rolling type disputes that are meant to ‘slow roast’ employers – he summarised the QANTAS situation as such and that CEO Joyce made a decision to ‘bring-on’ the Fair Work tribunal to try and end the industrial actions being taken by the Union. His opinion came across as being critical of the Unions actions.  His anti’labour views are well documented and he hardly brings balanced opinion to the “Insiders” program. This ‘fluff’ of a journalist made no mention or connective relevance to the massive increases in Executive pay – nor the massive profits – i.e. A$23 billion – made by BHP whom he mentioned – as a Journalist who should be neutral in his assessment – he proved once again that the media and their employers are mere mouthpieces and ‘quill’s for hire’ to promote an Editor’s and Media Barron’s opinion … Murdoch owns the “Australian” – and once again demonstrates the bile type journalism they engage it to promote their brand name. Harry piss’s on this type of journalism – again – the QANTAS dispute is about transferring Australian jobs offshore – outsourcing – taking advantage of cheaper off-shore labour ro increase shareholder returns and CEO and Executive ‘bonus’ remunerations. The Clark v Katich issue Contributing Author ‘Snoop-Poop’ got it right when he made comment on Michael Clark and his ability to become Australian Cricket’s Captain 12 months ago – [read story here] – team results have been OK against Sir Lanka – both Teat and One-Day and St Africa – one day series. The forthcoming Test series against St Africa will give a better insight. But the weeks drama over comments by Katich has inflamed fans. In a week where the jailing of three Pakistani crickets for taking financial gain for bowling ‘no-balls’ should have been the main story – the Clark/Katich blowup took the limelight – Katich has his supporters and up against Clark – Harry backs Katich. Clarks own form since the Captaincy came his way is suspect a lone century and some 50+ scores – but never under any real pressure – Clarks issue is that when Australia need him to make runs – when an innings is in crisis – he more often fails and puts the team under more pressure. Simon Katich is better value to Australian cricket than Michael Clark – who wants a pretend ‘pretty-boy’ with a ‘pea-heart’ and a media profile as a ‘C’ class celebrity when you can have someone who talks straight – is a stand up guy – and knows how to play the game. The Melbourne Cup: A big week for FASHION – yea that’s right – pay for viewers get the short-end of the Melbourne Racing carnival every year with delayed telecasts in favour of the VRC’s deal with Channel 7 – yet for racing fans – the Channel 7 broadcast showed itself to be more about FASHION – or as I call it a ‘slutfest’ of women dressing up to promote their ‘sexyness’ and the measure themselves on the – ‘I want to fu_k you’ barometer … I just don’t get why women spend up to $25k+ on outfits and accessories, hair and makeup and all the other trimmings like – nails, waxes, botox injections, tanning salons, teeth whitener, professional fashion co-ordinator etc – all to parade like willing ‘slave offerings’ to try and win a Fashion prize – I just don’t get-it any of it … when the Channel 7 hire celebrities and the like to fill their screen interviews and self-promote the ‘birdcage’ as some sort of exclusive membership right – the Melbourne Cup and the horse racing becomes as cosmetic as Sonja Kruger and her tribe of false-smiling presenters – all phony baloney… Francesca Cumani is about the only one worth listening to – she’s all horse racing and about the only one worth looking at – she has poise and grace and breeding – worth more than a second look and she can ride a horse. But as for doing the Melbourne Cup Carnival any favours – up to seven hours of TV a day over the four days of the Carnival – there has to be distractions to fill the void – over the four days there were 37 races – that means about 60 minutes of real Race broadcast – another 2 hour’s for the preliminaries and mounting yard updates – that still leaves some 25 hours of TV broadcast time to fill.  Advertising takes up another 20 mins or so every hour and the rest was about celebrities and fashion updates – oh – and the talking point Lavazzar coffee-house celebrity orgies … Gone are the days where Australians were taken seriously if this broadcast is a reflection – this broadcast promotes us as all about pomp and spice and all things cosmetic and snobbish … Give us back our ‘ockerish prudish reputation … at least that was respected. The ‘Kevin Rudd for PM’ roadshow: The rhetoric about the November challenge by former PM to regain the PM job saw plenty of fluff and prancing in Canberra this week.   The dance from the RUDD camp was denial but not the ‘never-ever’ stuff Bill SHorten offered up.  The ‘straight-bat’ message to Gillard was – don’t stuff up – and the wetted marble floor you have to walk every day has hidden banana peels everywhere. Gillards favourite back-stabber was eager to be in the limelight answering the media’s want for Government responses to the QANTAS questions.  He saw this as an opportunity to crash-land a Cabinet Position – his opportunistic instinct is alive and well – but then his ‘never-ever’ response when asked about the Labour Leadership told a different story. Shorten is slime-ball made and toxic poison to anybody stupid enough to try and grab onto his ambition and use it for themsleves – this is where Gillard is right now – should she reward him or keep him on a leash – her desperation to keep Kevin at bay will determine how far she slips her hands into teh slime.  The electorate dispise Mr Shorten and the polls would show this – and all this in a week when Carbon Tax, Poker machine legislation, and the Mining Rent Resource tax awaits the Government on the backside of what most though was a good week for the Government. It was not that – just that the Opposition had a worse week. Straddling the fence with no policies – no insight – no leadership – no and just a bunch of more no’s – they were always bound to trip over their bottom lip when they ever had something to say. Hockey Kapockey was the first to stumble and spend a few days in a sweat shop of public scruitny – Botox Lady Bishop was sharpening her nails asking Foreign Minister a question on Mining Tax or some other inocxious question – The Beehive Queen only comes out during Question time as the ‘bitchy grandmother’ who hasn’t had a good root in 20 years – Cameron dressed himself up and performed quite well in the ‘suspension of standing orders’ speech. God help us all if this is the best both sides can offer as Political Leadership. As relates to the Rudd show – Harry’s ‘snitch’ inside both camps has plenty more to tell – but it can’t be published until the deed is done … stay tuned. _______________________________________ Harry’s Growl …