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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – III’

November 3, 2011
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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – III’:
Last Updated 2nd Nov ’11
SmilingPolitics:

A Republican, a Libertarian, and a Democrat are seated separately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in; unbeknownst to any of them, it is Jesus.

The Republican summons the waiter and asks him to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab; the waiter does so. The Libertarian asks the waiter to please serve the poor man iced tea and to put it on his tab. The waiter does so. The Democrat then asks the waiter to bring the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and to put it on his tab.

When Jesus is finished eating, He goes over to the Republican and says, “I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat. Thank you. I see you are blind.” and He touches the man’s eye, and it is healed.

Jesus then goes over to the Libertarian and says, “I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink. Thank you. I see you have a bad arm.” and He touches the man’s arm, and it is healed.

Then Jesus walks over to the Democrat. The Democrat moves far back from Jesus and exclaims, “Don’t touch me!! I’m on 100% disability!!”

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SmilingLocal Orphanage:

A nun who ran the local orphanage called in three girls who had just turned 18, and were therefore about to be unleashed on the world as adults.

“You are women now,” she began, “So I must warn you about the ways of the men of the world. They will take you out dining and drinking, take you back to their abodes, take off all of your clothes, have sloppy sex with you, and then give you some money and send you away.”

One of the girls looked back at her wide-eyed and needed to confirm part of what she had just heard. “You mean men of the world will have sex with us and pay us with cash?”

“Yes, my child. I am afraid it is true.”

“Well, Alright! All the cheap-assed priests ever paid us with was candy!”

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SmilingJesus and Moses:

Jesus and Moses are out in a boat on a lake remembering the good ole’ days. Moses was wondering if he still had it and he snaped his fingers.

Whoosh! The waters parted and the boat fell to the bottom, Jesus rolls almost out of the boat. Moses laughs and snaps his fingers. The waters come back and returns the boat to the top.

Jesus, not one to be made the better of, stands up and takes a step out of the boat on to the water and starts to do a little dance, until he starts to wobble terribly to a point he falls back in the boat.

Moses just laughs and says, “It’s not the same with those holes in your feet is it?!?”

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SmilingThe Priest’s Bath:

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Keyto Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

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SmilingConfessional Mixup:

An elderly priest was upset with the things he was hearing during Saturday confessions. After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his congregation, “I’m tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me “I have cheated with Anthony…I have cheated with Mary…I have cheated with Frankie.’ I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when you come into my confessional, you will say ‘I have fallen with Anthony, or with Mary, or with Frankie.’ No more the word CHEAT. It will be FALL.”

About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger man. No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in the confessional. After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions, the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, “Mr. Mayor, you are going to have to do something about the deplorable condition of the streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they are falling all over the place.”

The mayor immediately understood the problem, and he leaned back in his chair and laughed.

The priest was puzzled, and said, “Mr. Mayor, you shouldn’t be laughing! Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times.!”

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SmilingTrip to Hell:

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.

Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure I love to drink.

Devil: We’ll you’re gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that’s all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab… We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay…you’re already dead! Guy: No way!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We’ve even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, I’ve never played pai gow before …

Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don’t mean …

Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It’s okay! You’re already dead!!

Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!

Devil: So… are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!

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SmilingBest/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog:

  1. A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending]
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Various – Little Johnny Jokes
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’

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