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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – IV’

November 3, 2011
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – IV:
Updated 3rd Nov ’11
SmilingPope and Cardinals:

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.”The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”

“No.” said Nicklaus, “I came in second to Rabbi Woods.”

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SmilingMissionary in the Jungle:

A missionary who was journeying up the Amazon decided to teach his native guide a few words of English.

First, he pointed to various objects in the rain forest and gave their names. The guide dutifully repeated them and the missionary was quite pleased, until they happened to pass two people making love on the riverbank.

Embarrassed, the man of God said, “Man riding bicycle.”

The native immediately drew his bow and let an arrow fly. “Man riding my bicycle!” he exclaimed!

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SmilingPriest and a Rabbi:

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, “Oh,” and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hack saw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.

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SmilingConfessional F-Word:

A man walks into confessional and says, “Forgive me Father for I have sinned…”

The priest replies, “What is it that brings you here?”

“Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend.”

“Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary’s and may the Lord be with you.”

The man replies, “but I really need to talk about it.”

“Let’s have it then,” the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.

You see Father, “I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees.”

“And that’s when you cursed aloud?” the Father queried.

“No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree.”

“That must have been when you cursed?”

“No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!”

“And that’s when you cursed aloud,” the priest said assuredly. “No, no..”

The Father interjected, “Don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt!”

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SmilingFlight to Rome:

A Catholic Priest and a Minister were sitting next to each other on a flight to Rome. The stewardess walked past their seats and asked them if either would like something to drink.

“I’ll have a gin and lemon” the priest replied.

“And how about you, sir?” the stewardess asked the minister.

“Not for me thanks” he replied. “I’d rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.”

With that, the priest tugged the stewardess’s sleeve. “Excuse me miss, can I change my order? I didn’t realise we had a choice.”

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SmilingPearly Gates and the Cab Driver:

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby.”

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.”

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SmilingThe 8th Day:

On the eighth day God came to Adam to give him tidings. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, he said.

Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”

Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to pass exams, invent the wheel, master the art of lighting a barbecue, create new artefacts, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your kind in my image and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children, which are rather noisy and smelly small people but you’ll get to like them.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are wondrous gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?” God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow.

“The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.”

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SmilingThe Free Haircut

A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed.

“No charge, Father,” the barber said. “I consider it a service to the Lord.” when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.

A few days later a police officer came in. “How much do I owe you?” the cop asked after his haircut.

“No charge, officer,” the barber answered. “I consider it a service to my community.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. “How much do I owe you?” he asked afterward.

“No charge,” the barber replied. “I consider it a service to my country.” The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

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SmilingBest/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog:

  1. A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending]
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Various – Little Johnny Jokes
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’

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