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EYE-BALL JokeZone – Various 31

The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
– EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 31:
Posted 7th May 2013

Submitted by Colin S.

Scottish Lodger

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said:

“Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

“Do you shave?”

“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”

“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department … very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?”

“Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”

“Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”

“I know,” he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!”


Submitted by Dawn S.

Julia Gillard met with the Queen in England .

She asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”

“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Julia frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”

David Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Julia went back home to Australia and asked Wayne Swan, her Deputy Prime Minister the same question

“Wayne, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Wayne. “Let me get back to you on that one.”

He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men’s room and recognised Tony Abbott’s shoes in the next stall.

Wayne asked, “Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and Father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Tony yelled back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”

Wayne smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Julia.

“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Tony Abbott”

Julia got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled into his face, “No, You idiot! It’s the English Prime Minister, David Cameron!”

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN CANBERRA.


Submitted by Dawn S.

Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’

St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.’

‘Oh’, said the man. ‘Whose clock is that?’

‘That’s Mother Teresa’s’, replied St. Peter. ‘The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’

‘Incredible’, said the man. ‘And whose clock is that one?’

St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.’

‘Where’s Julia Gillard’s clock?’ asked the man.

St Peter replied, ‘We are using it it as a ceiling fan.’


Submitted by Warwick M..

The dog who talked too much

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.

‘Dad,’ he says, ‘you won’t believe what modern education is developing…they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol’ Blue how to talk.’

‘That’s amazing!’ his Dad says. ‘How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?’

‘Just send him down here with $2,000,’ the young jackaroo says, ‘I’ll get him in the course.’

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

‘So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son?’ his father wants to know.

‘Awesome! Dad, he’s talking up a storm… But you just won’t believe this. They’ve had such good results with talking, they’ve begun to teach the animals how to read.’

‘Read?’ exclaims his father. ‘No kidding! How do we get Ol’ Blue in that program?’

‘Just send $4,500. I’ll get him in the class.’

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

‘Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him, and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the boy says, ‘I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?”

The father groans and whispers, ‘I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!’

‘I sure did, Dad!’

‘That’s my boy!’

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.


Submitted by Dawn S.

Worth the time to just see some nature and humanity inter acting …


Submitted by Warwick M.

A Soldier’s Wife Confesses

This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.

It was then that I realized how far Australia’s military had deteriorated… Every one of them missed the bitch.


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

A Soldier’s Wife Confesses

This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government Underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office .

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers In full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.

It was then that I realized how far Australia’s military had deteriorated..
Every one of them missed the bitch.


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun.”

“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the young man.

“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body.” said the father.

The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”, which keep us from burning our feet in the desert.”

“ThenTell me,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son?”

“Why are you living in Bankstown and still wearing all this crap??”


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

SLEEPING WITH MICK

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you? He said, “Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, ‘Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Bill’s turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man’s man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed.

I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night.”

With age comes wisdom.


Submitted by Warwick M.

Little Hodiaki

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775’, he said.

‘Very good!’

Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’.

‘Excellent!’, said the teacher continuing, ‘let’s try one a bit more difficult…’

Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’

Once again, Hodiaki’s was the only hand in the air and he said:

‘John F. Kennedy, 1961’.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . k the Japs,’

‘Who said that? I want to know right now!’ she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, ‘General MacArthur, 1945.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glared around and asks, ‘All right! Now who said that!?’

Again, Little Hodiaki said, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yelled, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,

‘Oh shit, We’re screwed!’

Little Hodiaki said quietly, ‘The Australian people, 2011.’


Submitted by Judy B.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing’

‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.

They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment……

‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying… That phrase… In no time.’

‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house…. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them… After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There was stunned silence…

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

‘Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!’


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