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EYE-BALL JokeZone – Various 30

February 11, 2013
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
– EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 30:
Posted 11th Feb 2013

Submitted by Aidan B.

RULES FOR ONLINE DATING Rule #1 – Always ask for a photo.

Rule # 2 – Always ask for more than one photo.

THIS CONCLUDES YOUR TRAINING FOR TODAY……..THANK YOU


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775’, he said.

‘Very good!’

Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’.

‘Excellent!’, said the teacher continuing, ‘let’s try one a bit more difficult…’

Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’

Once again, Hodiaki’s was the only hand in the air and he said:

‘John F. Kennedy, 1961’.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . k the Japs,’

‘Who said that? I want to know right now!’ she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, ‘General MacArthur, 1945.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glared around and asks, ‘All right! Now who said that!?’

Again, Little Hodiaki said, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yelled, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,

‘Oh shit, We’re screwed!’

Little Hodiaki said quietly, ‘The Australian people, 2011.’


Submitted by Adian B.

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA . (“Pommie” – English immigrant.)

August 31 – Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful.

I’ve finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 – Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th – Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th – The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I
expected.

October 15th – Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

October 20th – Didn’t notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I’ve earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 – This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin’ blow dryer. And it’s hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin’ Perth ….

October 30th – The temperature’s up around 40 and the parts still haven’t arrived for the fuckin’ aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 – Finally got the ol’ aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8 – If one more smart arse says ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to fuckin’ throttle him. Fuckin’ heat! By the time I get to work, the car’s radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin’ wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol’ car. I thought my fuckin’ arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin’ arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10 – Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin’ recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin’ sunny! It’s been too hot to do anything for two fuckin’ months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15 – Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn fuckin’ place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin’ pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin’ flies. You don’t dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!

November 20th – Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin’ degrees today. Now the air conditioner’s gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin’ Karratha! What kind of sick, demented fuckin’ idiot would want to live here!

December 1 – WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin’ kidding!

___________________

Confucious says: ‘Choose a job you Love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.’


Submitted by Peter R.

NAG, NAG, NAG!

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’


Submitted by Aidan B…

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed..

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.’

‘The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked.

‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’


Submitted by Aidan B.

HELL EXPLAINED … BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …..leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

A Soldier’s Wife Confesses

This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government Underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office .

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers In full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.

It was then that I realized how far Australia’s military had deteriorated..
Every one of them missed the bitch.


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

Gillard replied, “I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope backhanded her!


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that’s easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

I beg to differ because, there is!!!

When you marry the right woman, you are “COMPLETE”… And when you marry the wrong one, you are “FINISHED”! And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are … “COMPLETELY FINISHED” !!


Submitted by Aidan B.

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

‘Please ….. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?


Submitted by Colin S.

Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong, Victoria. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night..”

Dad & Dave replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already..”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Dad said, “We’re gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Dad said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.

“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Dad said,”Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.”

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Dave said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”

Dad & Dave now work for the Gillard government.

They’re financial advisers to Wayne Swan Australia ‘s finance minister.


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