Archive

Archive for February 11, 2013

EYE-BALL JokeZone – Various 30

February 11, 2013 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
– EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 30:
Posted 11th Feb 2013

Submitted by Aidan B.

RULES FOR ONLINE DATING Rule #1 – Always ask for a photo.

Rule # 2 – Always ask for more than one photo.

THIS CONCLUDES YOUR TRAINING FOR TODAY……..THANK YOU


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775’, he said.

‘Very good!’

Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’.

‘Excellent!’, said the teacher continuing, ‘let’s try one a bit more difficult…’

Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’

Once again, Hodiaki’s was the only hand in the air and he said:

‘John F. Kennedy, 1961’.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . k the Japs,’

‘Who said that? I want to know right now!’ she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, ‘General MacArthur, 1945.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glared around and asks, ‘All right! Now who said that!?’

Again, Little Hodiaki said, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yelled, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,

‘Oh shit, We’re screwed!’

Little Hodiaki said quietly, ‘The Australian people, 2011.’


Submitted by Adian B.

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA . (“Pommie” – English immigrant.)

August 31 – Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful.

I’ve finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 – Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th – Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th – The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I
expected.

October 15th – Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

October 20th – Didn’t notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I’ve earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 – This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin’ blow dryer. And it’s hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin’ Perth ….

October 30th – The temperature’s up around 40 and the parts still haven’t arrived for the fuckin’ aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 – Finally got the ol’ aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8 – If one more smart arse says ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to fuckin’ throttle him. Fuckin’ heat! By the time I get to work, the car’s radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin’ wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol’ car. I thought my fuckin’ arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin’ arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10 – Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin’ recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin’ sunny! It’s been too hot to do anything for two fuckin’ months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15 – Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn fuckin’ place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin’ pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin’ flies. You don’t dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!

November 20th – Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin’ degrees today. Now the air conditioner’s gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin’ Karratha! What kind of sick, demented fuckin’ idiot would want to live here!

December 1 – WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin’ kidding!

___________________

Confucious says: ‘Choose a job you Love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.’


Submitted by Peter R.

NAG, NAG, NAG!

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’


Submitted by Aidan B…

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed..

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.’

‘The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked.

‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’


Submitted by Aidan B.

HELL EXPLAINED … BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …..leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

A Soldier’s Wife Confesses

This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government Underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office .

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers In full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.

It was then that I realized how far Australia’s military had deteriorated..
Every one of them missed the bitch.


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

Gillard replied, “I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope backhanded her!


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that’s easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

I beg to differ because, there is!!!

When you marry the right woman, you are “COMPLETE”… And when you marry the wrong one, you are “FINISHED”! And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are … “COMPLETELY FINISHED” !!


Submitted by Aidan B.

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

‘Please ….. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?


Submitted by Colin S.

Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong, Victoria. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night..”

Dad & Dave replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already..”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Dad said, “We’re gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Dad said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.

“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Dad said,”Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.”

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Dave said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”

Dad & Dave now work for the Gillard government.

They’re financial advisers to Wayne Swan Australia ‘s finance minister.


Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

Please – if you found this story to your liking and would like to promote it to your social media contacts – i.e. Twitter, Facebook, or other icon linked account below – please click your favoured Icon(s) to promote the story.  Thankyou.

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Advertisements
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL MovieZone – Favourites Review: TV Series – ELEMENTARY –

February 11, 2013 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-Opinion-Header-2
Latest ‘MovieZone’ Reviews:Most recent other TV/Movie reviews at top:


Oliver Stone’s: “The Untold History of the United States”


“Garrow’s Law” – 2009-11 UK TV Period Law Drama Seasons 1-3


“Last Man Standing” – 2012 TV Show (Sitcom) – Season 1


“Detachment” – 2011 Movie


– “The Newsroom”– 2012 TV Season 1


– “For Love of the Game” – 1999 Movie


– “A Game of Thrones” – 2011 TV Series Season 1-2


– “Doc Martin” – 2011 TV Comedy Season 1-5


– “Spartacus” – 2012 TV Drama Season 1-3


Other EYE-BALL MovieZone Links:

Link to EYE-BALL MovieZone’s – Front Page


Link to EYE-BALL MovieZone’s – Index of All Oscar Nominated Movie Reviews


Link to EYE-BALL MovieZone’s – Index of Oscar Movies Decade Reviews –


Link to EYE-BALL MovieZone’s – Index of Favourites Movie and TV Show Reviews


Link to EYE-BALL MovieZone’s – Index of You-Tube “SCENE” uploads


Link to Wikipedia’s – Oscar Best Movie Winners and Nominations


Back to Top


Title:
– EYE-BALL MovieZone review – TV Series:
-Elementary:
| Author: EYE-BALL MovieZone | Undated 11th feb 2013 |

Review Links – “Elementary”


Elementary

[Pasted from linked Wikipedia reference above …]

Elementary is an American TV crime drama series that premiered on CBS on September 27, 2012. It presents a contemporary update of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s character Sherlock Holmes set in the contemporary United States. It stars Jonny Lee Miller as Sherlock Holmes and Lucy Liu as Dr. Joan Watson. Holmes is a former consultant to Scotland Yard, and also an addict. He travels to New York City to check into a rehabilitation center and stays on in Brooklyn with Watson, who becomes his sober companion.

On October 23, 2012 CBS picked up Elementary for a full season. On November 15, 2012 CBS ordered two additional episodes to its current season, bringing the total number of episodes to 24.

Back to Top


EYE-BALL MovieZone Review:

‘Elementary’ is a surprise packet – if you liked Jonny Lee Miller in ‘Eli Stone’ and disappointed at that shows axing, then Miller’s back in another eccentric crime based drama that enthralls.

Lucy Liu plays his ‘companion’ – and I’ll leave the explanation to that little job description to you all to find out, and the plot thickens to their developing relationship and it works so well for the show.

Aidan Quinn adds quality as the New York Detective who worked with Sherlock at Scotland Yard.  His contribution as supporting cast gives the show a stability – it appears Quinn has had a face-lift or two – but he plays a strong sidekick – but it is ‘Watson’s’ character [Lui] that does the most to add spice to the show.

The ‘Sherlock Homes’ thing has been done so many times – but this is by far the best in recent times. I watched the 15 episodes aired back to back and as each episode ended, the eagerness to see the next episode left me without sleep … each episode is a story in itself, and the crime aspect is also good TV, but the character development that carries over into each new episode has just that right amount of traction that leaves you wanting more.

The ‘consultancy’ angle of Miller’s character is a take off from ‘Jane’s consultancy in ‘The Mentalist’ and softens the entertainment against the hard core cop shows.  

One of the better ‘new season’ shows and a decision is still pending on a Season 2 – there will be 24 episodes in this Season 1.


Review Score: … Highly recommend viewing.

EYE-BALL MovieZone Rating: … 7.0/10 …

[Note about REVIEW ratings]

  • Oscar Nominated movies or TV shows range from – 7.0/10
  • Highly recommended viewing rates – 7+,
  • Recommended viewing – 5.5-6.5,
  • Enjoyable viewing – 4.5-6.0,
  • Duds – 4.0 or less. [You won’t see them mentioned here.]

Not all movies or TV shows in the 5.5-6.5 range are reviewed – just the ones that offer special qualities.]

Back to Top

[Just a small note – this is a free website – and the information posted hereto is the product of human effort and genuine research undertakings. If you have enjoyed the review and feel it has contributed – a small donation would be appreciated. Please use the gratuity/donation link provided to the right of this text. All donations are thankfully received and go to helping to maintain the content of this site.]It would be very much appreciated if you could also report any broken LINKS using the e-mail address below:E-Mail – blogcomment@bigpond.comBack to Top


The EYE-BALL MovieZone …

%d bloggers like this: