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EYE-BALL’s Harry’s Growl on – Election 2013 – Growl No: 9 – Gillard in Focus …

February 7, 2013 1 comment
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Latest ‘Harry’s Growl’ Posts:


– 6th Feb – Election 2013 – Growl No: 8 – Obeid has decided to take a few with him –


– 4th Feb – Election 2013 – Growl No: 7 – ABC’s “Q&A” proves none of them have a goddamn clue


– 4th Feb – Election 2013 – Growl No: 6 – Gillard in Cartoon Form –


– 4th Feb – Election 2013  – Growl No: 5 – Poll Results,  Senate Leadership, & Pyne’s Hitler Gibe –


– 2nd Feb –  Election 2013 – Growl No: 4 – Craig Thompson’s Bankruptcy revisited –


– 1st Feb – Election 2013  – Growl No: 3 – Roxon’s Rocky Status as the AG  –


– 31st Jan – Election 2013 – Growl No: 2 – Gillard lifts her skirts to thrill the Media  –


– 28th Jan – Election 2013 – Growl No: 1 – Senator Penny Wong … policy exposed –


– 18th Jan – Hedley Thomas and Larry Pickering – – Resume their AWU crusade against Gillard  –


– 1st Jan 2013 – Jenny Macklin – Joins Swan as another ALP Fu_kwit – Claims she can live on the Newstart allowance –


– 20th Dec – Wayne Swan – His backflip on the 2012-13 Surplus – Makes him the Fu_kwit of all Fu_kwits –


– 16th Dec – Lenore Taylor – Chief Political Correspondent for the SMH  – Part II – – A correspondent pushing her own political agenda  –


– 15th Dec – Lenore Taylor – Chief Political Correspondent for the SMH  – A correspondent with her own political agenda  –


– 14th Dec – Gillard’s Gutter Mouth – The dishonour she does to the office of the Prime Minister –


– 3rd Dec – The GREENS – Leader Milne has her head in the sand –


– 28th Nov – The Dogs have their BONE Part II – The Wilson Interview and how it reflects on Gillard –


– 27th Nov – The Dogs have their BONE Part I – Gillard’s kicked them out the house –


– 23rd Nov – The ALP and Obeid Train Wreck  – is it meant to distract from Gillard & the AWU Scandal –


– 22nd Nov – Gunfights at the OK Corral: Misandry v Misogyny – GILLARD v Ralph BLEWITT – GILLARD v Hedley THOMAS – GILLARD v Mike SMITH – GILLARD v Larry PICKERING – GILLARD v ALP Caucus – GILLARD v All Australians …


– 13th Nov – The Day the heavens began to cave in – – Obeid and his entourage to bring it all down … –


– 10th Nov – The 2012 US Presidential Election Part II – The Fallout – the GOP beating up on itself –


– 8th Nov – The 2012 US Presidential Election Part I – what does it really mean —


– 7th Nov – Bob Carr … Foreign Minister – as profiled by “The Australian’s” Ross Fitzgerald –


– 29th Oct – The Most Irrelevant of all Irrelevancy – Independents – Slipper, Thompson, Windsor, Oakeshott, Katter & Wilkie – hanging on to office rather than face the electorate –


– 27th Oct – Julia Gillard does not understand Hypocrisy – ALP Powerbrokers dump Penny Wong – makes Gillard look foolish over her ‘sexism’ claims –


To see more EYE-BALL Harry’s Growl posts: click here …


Title:
– Election 2013  – Growl No: 9 –
– Gillard in Focus – 
| Author: EYE-BALL’s Harry’s Growl | 7th Feb 2013|
New Pickering images added – see end of text linked here


The Prime Minister continues to rule her roost as if her kingdom is of a mood to support her – Question time this week was a farce – nothing has changed. Opposition ask questions and the Speaker allows the Government to respond in the most abstract of ways – the Opposition makes a ‘point of order’ on relevance, the Speaker tells the respondent to be relevant and the responded continues on their merry way paying no head to the Speakers directive.

Surprising there were no questions all week on the AWU, on the HSU, on Thompson, on Slipper, all matters under investigation by the police  Surely a question to the PM about whether she has been approached by police to give evidence in any of those investigations would have been appropriate.

Let me recap on a specific point that is a central focus of the Victorian and Western Australian police. In Gillard’s August 2012 – ‘ask till you drop’ press conference, she was specifically asks if she signed a ‘Power of Attorney’ document in relation to the purchase of the ‘Fitzroy St’ property  She answered ‘that she had signed/witnessed 1000’s of documents over her legal career, how could she be expected to remember a single document’ – see video link of interview provided below.

Well here is the answer to that question based on logic and human behaviour – the evidence presented by Blewitt in his own statement to police claims – ‘the ‘Power of Attorney’ was not signed by him until a month or so after the Fitzroy St house purchase happened’. He also states – ‘it was backdated to before the house purchase, and not by him’.

Here is the rub – in any person’s past – if they know they were doing something illegal, their human instincts would remember the fullest detail of the event. In this instance, Gillard is said to have purported the document as something which it was not, i.e. signed by Ralph Blewitt before the House purchase. This document was an important document in the context of its use.

Do you think anyone would not remember such an illegality, especially a lawyer committing a criminal offence?  What was going through her head at the time – before she did it, after she did it, and the repeat conscience grab because of what she did?  Of course she would remember the signing of the document in its criminal intent.

Gillard did not answer any question about a Power of Attorney’ document at her Aug 2012 press conference – a YouTube copy of that her press conference is available below:

There was another press conference in late Nov 2012 – and the link to the ABC copy of that interview is presented here … the covering ABC story is linked here

At the 20:15sec mark of this press conference the question about the signing of the ‘Power of Attorney’ was raised. The direct question put to Gillard was whether she -‘had personally witnessed Blewitt’s signing of the document’.

She did not answer the question – as the video replay shows.

Given the pleas made in this interview and the previous press conference in Aug 2012 – the pursuit of the AWU scandal did not stop, nor the pressure being applied to Gillard and her involvement. As more and more evidence became available the holes in Gillard’s explanations became more evident. Not so much holes, but the avoidance of directly answering the questions posed.

This continued pursuit by the media led her to the ‘misogynist’ speech in the House in Oct 2012 – Abbott was accused of being a misogynist – but Gillard’s womanly rant was aimed at the wrong person. You recall this was the very moment Slipper decided to resign the Speakership.

Hansard text of the misogynist rant can be read via 9th Oct 2012 Hansard – linked here … and from page 11581 …

Both Abbott’s and Bishop’s address that preceded Gillard’s rant can be read from … page 11573 of the same document.

To watch a YouTube video of the speech see below:

Subsequent to this – the Coalition spent the last week of House sitting in late Nov 2012, asking Gillard continuous questions about the AWU scandal and her involvement. Gillard did not answer any of the questions on any direct way – offering – ‘I have dealt with this matter on the record in the past.’ Gillard’s responses and the questions asked can be read via Hansard documents linked below:

  1. HOR Hansard 26th Nov 2012…from page 13140 …
  2. HOR Hansard 27th Nov 2012… from page 13447 …
  3. HOR Hansard 28th Nov 2012… from page 13714
  4. HOR Hansard 29th Nov 2012… from page 13947

In the summer recess, the Police pursued the Mike Smith complaint lodged with the Victorian police in Nov 2012. Blewitt was interviewed by Victorian police a number of times as were other witness, including Gillard’s Slater and Gordon secretary, and the person who handled the file on the Fitzroy St property.  Of the four people closely linked to the ‘Power of Attorney’ document, two have given statements to the police.

The opposition are entitled to ask the question of Gillard in the House if she has been contacted by the police with regard to the AWU scandal, if so – what has she been asked and is she prepared to answer police questions on the Power of Attorney document.

Now – if ‘Olivia Palmer’ – Gillard’s former S&G secretary has provided evidence that confirms Blewitt’s own evidence – the police will act to pursue the ‘Power of Attorney’ matter.

If the evidence is unclear or contrary – Wilson will be the next person to be interviewed.

The PM’s status makes her ‘hand’s off’ until evidence gathered is irrefutable. Obviously the police are not there yet – but Gillard has to be aware that she is in line to receive a call from the police to be interviewed, if not so advised already.   A sneaky question from Abbott would make Gillard’s caucus rotate themselves on a spit to hear her response.

Leadership:

On another matter – I love this Nation as do us all, I have pride in calling myself Australian, and my mindset is that we deserve exceptional Leaders in all forms and levels of Government.   It has been some time since we have had an exceptional leader – in fact I don’t recall one in my voting lifetime – that includes working backwards – Gillard, Rudd, Howard, Keating, Hawke, Fraser, and Whitlam.

Obama was the Messiah or so I thought in 2007 … Rudd promised much and was cut down … and when you look around the rest of the world – all are similarly void of that ‘exceptional’ leader status.

I ponder a thought – is our apathy in accepting mediocrity as the norm responsible – how do we encourage champions of industry, manufacturing  commerce, and the Corporate world into Leadership on a political context?  

Does the symbolism and reality of how our democracy operates shun those who could make substantial contributions?   Is it remunerations, the public scrutiny, the lack of privacy, the demands of time and media exposure – should the media access have their wings clipped?

I think that if we are to attract a better quality of candidate and persons with proven leadership skills from the private sector,  we need to think how politics is reported on, exposed, and used by the media to play opposites off against one another.

An example – Ministers to speak on their portfolio on a weekly basis – not the calling of a press conference to respond to attacks and/or to self promote for political gain.  Lessen the PM’s presence to hand-hold their Ministers and be visible on Leadership issues and not matters that can be dealt with by Ministers.  

Hell – if the PM has to hold the Ministers hands on policy launches, what are they doing as a Minister in the first place?

Is the PM’s need to be at every media conference, sporting events, soldiers funerals,  holding babies, and the like about Leadership or popularity contests?  To me it signify’s  insecurity, and a need to be seen to be leading, as opposed to having confidence in the Cabinet to do the job assigned and allow them to shine and rise in their own achievements.  

This is a reason why Leadership options are so limited when you look down the line of Minister’s and Opposition spokespersons.


To bring some much-needed levity – there is always the Larry Pickering Cartoons … below is a sample of his summer offerings – his images page can be access here[click on image below to enlarge] … enjoy and don’t hurt yourself with the belly laughs …

Larry Pickering also writes some very intelligent blogs including many on the AWU scandal.  Whilst not as regarded as Hedley Thomas in journalistic circles – his penmanship and his heady wit give him a take on things not easily publishable in mainstream media.  None the less … his take on events cuts to the chase and he does not mince words … his Facebook page can be accessed here


Added 8th Feb 2013:

Added 1st Feb 2013:

Added 31st Jan 2013:


Added 28th Jan 2013:

Added before 28th Jan 2013:

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Have your say where it counts: – contact your Local Federal Representative via the links below and let them know how you feel about this, or any other topic that you feel strongly about – or you can just post a comment below and let off some steam. Links to Australian Parliamentary Website – MP’s:


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EYE-BALL Opinion – Telstra Corp and their Bigpond service – again failing to respect their customers …

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Latest ‘EYE-BALL Opinion’ Posts:


– 6th Feb – Former Attorney General Nicola Roxon and her … Human Rights and Anti-Discrimination Bill 2012 –


– 5th Feb – Story 1: Election bets raise corruption issue again – – Story 2: Prime Minister interferes in FOI request


– 5th Feb – Obeid [Senior] Testimony – ALP doomed for years over endemic corruption issues –


– 5th Feb – ALP MP’s are divorced bedfellows – Simon Crean shows frighteningly poor judgement  –


– 4th Feb – Craig Thompson – his enemies grow – Brilliant Op Ed story by Paul Sheehan –


– 4th Feb – Government Policies in the Technology Age – Computer spend poor judgement –


– 3rd Feb – How close are we to Spain – Corruption leads to riots –


– 3rd Feb – Government a shambles – Gillard desperate – Whitlam era revisited …


– 30th Jan – Gillard clearly rattled by AWU scandal – does not want the Opposition pursuing her AWU involvement …


– 30th Jan – An AWU Scandal Review – including Alan Jones and Mike Smith Interviews –


– 28th Jan – Communications Minister Conroy  needs a POKE – one that will make him stand tall and take notice –


– 23rd Jan – A new low – Gillard buying Aboriginal Votes
– The fairness [or not] in Nova Peris’s appointment –


– 16th Jan – Claims of Climate Change Answers – Akin to Lucifer and the evil men do –


– 14th Jan – ALP Backbencher Andrew Leigh adds himself to the Idiot Brigade


– 13th Jan – 2013 Geo Political & Economic Predictions – Global uncertainty at post 9/11 high –


– 3rd Jan – Paul Howes joins the ‘idiot’ crowd  –
– He sees ‘lower interest rates’ as the answer –


– 27th Dec – Climate Change & The Human Factor  – The Silent Debate nobody wants to talk about –


– 17th Dec – American Gun Laws – will to change is just not there for Legislators


– 15th Dec – “International men of Mystery” – An Australian modern-day Bank Heist story –


– To see more EYE-BALL ‘Opinion’ posts:

click here …


Title:
– Telstra Corp and their Bigpond Service …
– again failing to respect their customers –
| Author: EYE-BALL Opinion | 7th Feb 2013 |

Asubject very close to my ‘growl’ barometer is my Bigpond Service – I have a download limit of 500gb a month and regularly use it and more.

Buzz around the internet chat rooms and in other tech media publications for some time now has been about the ongoing and failing legal challenges over piracy downloads.

EYE-BALL blogged about this very issue in Aug 2012 in a story titled –  “The Last Word on Copyright Piracy – News Ltd Chief shows ignorance” – it was a story about how technology advancement is way ahead of the way entertainment producers, artists, and broadcasters try to minimise losses to copyright income from their productions.

In that article the the following comment appeared:

.. At a keynote speech made by News Ltd CEO – Kim Williams – and delivered at the Australian International Movie Convention held at Jupiter’s Casino during the week – Mr Williams spoke on his perspective of how the digital age has aided and abetted the piracy industry.

The greatest medium of education and entertainment for thousands of years has been literature, fiction, non fiction, historical, biographical, educational, inspirational, or whatever else is your passion, you name it, you can find it in a library.  The best and most notable of authors throughout history were all happy to have their works stored and read free of charge by the global citizenship. Library copies are purchased in most cases – some original one-off collection pieces are donated – but by and large authors love to have their work(s) available through library reading… continues …

read full story here

The essence of the article was that through technology the buying of a movie video or DVD, a book, music, can all be done on-line and downloaded.

The method of sharing that entertainment medium in the past would have been physically giving the original copy to a friend or another third party – with the new age way of sharing through the internet and the download sites all around the world where that single copy can be shared – it is the entertainment industry that has to come up with a new way to derive its perceived copyright entitlements.

In recent days it has been released that Telstra is now a part of the entertainment industry fightback to reclaim what the courts around the world would not grant.

Telstra is trialing ‘slowed speeds’ for ‘Peer 2 Peer’ [P2P] downloads, and specifically targeting ISP addresses used to download those movies, music, software, TV shows and other downloads.  Read story below:

Telstra to clamp down on peer-to-peer


| Author: Ben Grubb | Date: Feb 5th, 2013 | Link to On-Line Story. |

Image Caption: Telstra’s Michael Lawrey mooted throttling peer-to-peer traffic in 2011. Photo: Eddie Jim

Telstra is planning to slow the speed at which its ADSL customers download content through peer-to-peer (P2P) networks in peak periods as part of a trial.

P2P networks are commonly used to download pirated material such as movies, music and video games.

Telstra confirmed the move in a statement after a source contacted Fairfax Media, publisher of this article, to say the telco planned to introduce throttling as a “trial” that was likely to become permanent and which required users to opt out if they didn’t want to take part in it.

The trial could begin as soon as this week, the source added.

The Telstra statement said it would be conducting on a “small number” of ADSL customers in Victoria a “limited trial of a range of technical options for better managing broadband internet performance for our customers during peak periods”.

One option being looked at was the shaping of specific services, including some peer-to-peer services, in certain circumstances and at certain times. The telco could shape such services using deep packet inspection (DPI) technology, which can identify the types of traffic flowing through a network and prioritise it accordingly.

“Once the trial is complete we will consider the results as part of our future network planning and product development activities,” the company said.

“The trial does not involve any monitoring or tracking of the sites customers visit and the findings we gather, including their feedback, are being collected in accordance with our privacy statement,” Telstra said.

The telco published a blog post explaining its trial after Fairfax Media published this story.

Critics of ISPs that interfere with P2P say it has many uses that aren’t illegal, such as downloading large files, and that it shouldn’t be interfered with. But most acknowledge it is primarily used for sharing pirated material.

Telstra’s plan to shape peer-to-peer network traffic was first mooted by the industry publication RCR Wireless in May 2011, when Telstra executive director Michael Lawrey threatened in a speech in Dublin to cut off “downloaders of illegal content”, whom he reportedly blamed for network congestion.

The RCR Wireless article no longer appears online but Mr Lawrey’s quotes remain on the Australian technology news website iTnews, which repeated them.

RCR Wireless quoted Mr Lawrey as saying Telstra would also take action against customers believed to be abusing the carrier’s fair-use policies.

“We probably haven’t even used our fair use small print yet. But we will,” Mr Lawrey reportedly said.

He was also reported to have said that if the carrier’s proposed system “cut out 80 per cent of the non-value adding traffic – good”.

According to the RCR Wireless article, about 80 per cent of Telstra’s data was chewed up by high bandwidth users.

“I’d rather not have those 80 per cent as customers. I’d rather someone else had them as customers,” Mr Lawrey reportedly said.

He did not say whether he was talking about fixed-line, smartphone customers or both.

Exetel, a smaller ISP than Telstra, used to throttle, or “deprioritise”, peer-to-peer traffic during peak periods. Its terms and conditions say it can still do so but a staff member last year said on its forum that it did not shape “any type of traffic”.

Illegal downloading via BitTorrent networks has been in slight decline for some time, though reports suggest there was a small rise in 2012. In part that would be fueled by faster internet services worldwide and a migration away from traditional television in which some consumers now exclusively watch TV content via the internet.

I live in an area that only has ADSL 1 capability – Telstra’s Top-Hat upgrade system introduced after the ‘copper network’ deal done with the NBN early 2012, originally planed to upgrade this area by the end of 2012. That upgrade was pulled in Aug 2012 along with another 108 planned ‘pillar box’ upgrades around Australia.  The upgrade was to make them ADSL 2 compliant.

Telstra/Bigpond have offered no reason for the pulling of the upgrade, other than an inside source advising that the obvious reason was revenue – ADSL 1 and ADSL 2 services are charged the same cost, infrastructure upgrade costs for these upgrades would have been revenue neutral.  The inside source stated Telstra made their  decision because any upgrade would not bring any new revenue – a sound business decision but not in line with their license and charter to assist rural and regional Australia have better internet services.

Before the NBN ‘copper network’ deal this area was due to have its exchange and ‘pillar boxes’ upgraded in early 2013.  Any future upgrade to internet delivery in this area is now aligned to the NBN rollout, and there is no planned upgrade scheduled in this area in its 3 year advance upgrade schedule.

The speed in this area is 8,000 kbps, as compared with 20,000 kbps for ADSL 2. – to read more on this see previous EYE-BALL story here … to find additional  Telstra/Bigpond stories at this site – type ‘Telstra‘ into the tag search at the top right margin of this post.

This’ slowed speed trial’ period as advised in the above story beggars belief – what right does Telstra have in acting on behalf of the entertainment industry to stop deemed pirate downloads?

Telstra is a public company – it has no Government oversight – it is in business to make money for its shareholders. Its customers purchase the Bigpond service and are lock into 24 month contracts with conditions attached.  Yes, there is the small print – but why would Telstra get into bed with the entertainment industry and agree to  ‘slow’ downloads from BitTorrent sites?

Their charter is regulated by any number of Teleco regulators, i.e. TIO, ACCC, ACMA, Fair Trading, etc …  Telstra should be focused on upgrading its rural and regional services to make them the equal of those available in metropolitan areas.

Why would they buy into a struggling global legal challenge by the entertainment industry trying to prevent what they see as BitTorrent piracy?

That supposed piracy as seen from a down-loader of movies, TV shows, music, and other available downloads – is an entitlement under their contract only governed by the download limits put in place by Telstra/Bigpond or other ISP.

Telstra can only slow these speeds on its existing ‘copper network’ as the NBN will be Government owned through the NBN. So why trial ‘slowed speeds’ for P2P downloads in the first place?

This story is a time bomb ticking away – and as an ever increasing number of the  population chooses to use downloads to watch their favorite TV shows ad free, new release and old movies all to their own timing,  the BitTorrent download is here to stay.   Technology has arrived, and to hold it back because the entertainment industry have been asleep at the wheel in protecting what they see as copyright entitlement is not the answer.

The ACCC should be investigating Telstra’s ‘slowed speed’ actions to ascertain what their motive is.   There will be a motive and money will be involved. Telstra are to be accountable to all Trade Practices conditions and if they are acting on behalf of a third party,  to try and accomplish something the Law Courts have not sanctioned – then they themselves are acting unlawfully.

Please – if you found this story to your liking and would like to promote it to your social media contacts – i.e. Twitter, Facebook, or other icon linked account below – please use/click on your favoured Icon(s) to promote the story.  Thankyou.


Have your say where it counts: – contact your Local Federal Representative via the links below and let them know how you feel about this, or any other topic that you feel strongly about – or you can just post a comment below and let off some steam.

Links to Australian Parliamentary Website – MP’s


The EYE-BALL Opinion …

EYE-BALL JokeZone – Various 29

February 7, 2013 Comments off
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– EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 29:
Posted 7th Feb 2013
SmilingSubmitted by Adian B.

Australian government at work

You will love this one, I haven’t stopped laughing …

For those of you who have never travelled to the country , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the “guards,” probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

In 2008, Kevin Rudd received and was reading a report that there were over 10,000 cattle guards over main roads in NSW & Queensland. Graziers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!!

Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Minister for Employment Julia Gillard, intervened with a request that before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

And now she is running the country. (Well, that’s up for interpretation also).


Smiling

Submitted by Adian B.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his ‘manhood’ into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his ‘member’.

He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

‘Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?’

‘Don’t worry,’ replied the customer service rep, ‘The machine will release automatically once it’s collected two gallons.’

Ouch … you all have a nice day…..


Submitted by Dawn S.

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing? “The cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so Piss off and wait for a camel!”


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

Larry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll try being a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Larry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks “How much?

“She says, “A hundred dollars.”

He replies, “All I got is thirty.”

She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Larry and asks, “What now. What can he get for thirty?”

“A hand job,” Larry replied.

So, she runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. “I’ll be right back.”

She runs back to Larry. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars ?”


Submitted by Adian B.

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. she never did it around anyone else. One day she called me and asked me to come over. ‘To check my Sister’s wedding- invitations’ she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn’t overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom” she said. “If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, ‘Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.’

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.


Submitted by Adian B.

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. “You’ll be fine,” he said.

She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl…

“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”


Submitted by Kevin O. [R.I.P].

Carbon tax explained

I think I get it, but I might be wrong. From what I understand, the government proposes to collect tax from the carbon emitters who will pass the cost of the tax onto us, so it really won’t cost the emitters anything.

Then the Government will compensate we dumb huddled masses with a tax rebate paid with the money they collect from the emitters, so it won’t cost us anything either.

So no-one will be out of pocket, there will be no change in the amount of carbon emitted but at least a whole bunch of otherwise unemployable public servants and political party comrades will be employed to supervise the transfer of the money between the accounts.

It’s just like moving a dead body to a new coffin, hoping it will come back to life.

I think I’ve got it but you might feel you need to correct me. However you might as well save your energy in case someone puts a tax on it.


Submitted by Audrey R..

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.
‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks… They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. .. …. You just caught my eye!


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves….and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas.


Submitted by Kevin O. [R.I.P.]

When Love Fades…

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s’ sweet voice from the kitchen.

“What would you like to have for dinner my Love, chicken, beef or lamb?”

I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”

She replied “You’re having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat.”


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The Best Bar Joke Ever

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.

The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Schooner of New”

The robot brings back the best beer ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says,” 168.”

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious…So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Schooner of New”

Again, the robot pours a great beer and gives it to the man and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “100.”

The robot then starts to talk about V8 Super cars, MotoGP, Tooheys beers and Supercheap Auto.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Schooner of New,” and the robot brings him another great beer.

The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”

The robot leans in real close and asks,

“So, you people still happy you voted for Gillard?”


Submitted by Dawn S.

… and the best kept to last …

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, “I am the prime
Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia’s people don’t want me to die.”
She took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third passenger, Bob Brown, said, “I’m the leader of the Australian Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me.” So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped .

The fourth passenger, ex-PM John Howard, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”

The little girl said, “That’s okay, Mr. Howard. There’s a parachute left for you. Australia’s smartest woman took my schoolbag!”


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