EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 27’
|EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 27:
Posted 7th Nov 2012
DEAR DIARY – submitted by Gerry Hatrick
DAY 1 –
All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.
Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter – The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip. It will be my first one – and I can’t wait!
DEAR DIARY – DAY 2 –
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 3 –
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 4 –
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 5 –
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship…..I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives … Twice.
Bill Bill Gates – Brilliant … – submitted by Colin Spencer.
This should be posted in every school or kid’s bedroom.
Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this.!!!
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings
Rule 1 : Life is not fair – get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world doesn’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right o ut of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. *This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. *Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one..
If you can read this… Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English… Thank a Soldier!
Now…. think about this and smile if you agree and please pass this on….
If you don’t agree, go stick your head in the SAND and take a DEEP BREATH.!!!!
Political Joke – submitted by Peter Ramsay.
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both of her parents – Socialist Labor – were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”
She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”
Her parents beamed with pride!
“Wow! what a worthy goal!” I said. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re Prime Minister to do that!” I told her.
“What do you mean?” she replied.
So I told her, “You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I’ll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
I said, “Welcome to the Liberal Party.”
Her parents aren’t speaking to me.
Bill Cosby – “I’m 74 and Tired” (Born July 12, 1937) – submitted by Emily
This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in Jamaica,
“I’m 74 and I’m Tired”
I’m 74. Except for brief period in the 50’s when I was doing my National Service, I’ve worked hard since I was 17. Except for some serious health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn’t call in sick in nearly 40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn’t inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as though retirement was a bad idea, and I’m tired. Very tired.
I’m tired of being told that I have to “spread the wealth” to people who don’t have my work ethic. I’m tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy to earn it.
I’m tired of being told that Islam is a “Religion of Peace,” when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family “honor”; of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren’t “believers”; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for “adultery”; of Muslims mutilating the
I’m tired of being told that out of “tolerance for other cultures” we must let Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia , New Zealand, UK, America and Canada , while no one from these countries are allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other Arab country to teach love and tolerance..
I’m tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate.
I’m tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?
I’m tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I’m tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.
I’m really tired of people who don’t take responsibility for their lives and actions. I’m tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination or big-whatever for their problems.
I’m also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and early 20’s be-deck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.
Yes, I’m damn tired. But I’m also glad to be 74. Because, mostly, I’m not going to have to see the world these people are making. I’m just sorry for my granddaughter and her children. Thank God I’m on the way out and not on the way in.
There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us sends it on!
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: “Windows frozen.”
Husband texts back: “Pour some lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back: “Computer completely stuffed now.”
A friend just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It’s doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
The first testicular guard (“box”) was used in cricket in 1874/
And the first helmet was used in 1974.
So, it took 100 years for men to realise that their brains could be as important as their balls!
An Arab enters a taxi……….
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel’s and certainly no radio ……..
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “Watt are you doing man?”
The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel.”
This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Hampshire, England who won the World’s Shortest Essay competition. He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his imagination and humour….
Here’s an example of absolute brilliance……
An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
3) Physical Disability
The prize-winner wrote:
‘My God,’ cried the Queen, ‘That one-legged nigger is a poof’.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still Heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my Testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles Black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely….. .
‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – back ?
Dad and Dave Buy A Cow. – submitted by Colin Spencer.
Dad and Dave saw an ad for a cow in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong, Victoria, and bought the cow for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the cow the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellas, I have some bad news, the cow died last night.”
Dad replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead cow.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ gunna do with a dead cow?”
Dad said, “We’re gunna raffle her off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead cow!”
Dad said, “We sure can! Hell, we don’t have ta tell anybody she’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad and Dave at the local grocery store and asked, “What’d you fellas ever do with that dead cow?”
They said, “We raffled her off just like we said we were gunna do.”
Dad said, “Bloody hell, we sold 500 tickets for two dollars each and made a profit of $998.”
The farmer said, “Holy shit, didn’t anyone complain?”
Dave said, “Well, the bloke who won got upset. So we gave him his two bucks back.”
Dad and Dave now work for the Gillard government in Canberra. Working on the mining tax and carbon tax, are financial advisers to Wayne Swan Australia’s Greatest Treasurer.
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to Maria about the raise.
The wife asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you..”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he???”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora……. The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
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