EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 26’
|EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 26:
Posted 2nd Mar ’12
Once there was a sperm named Stanley, who lived inside a famous athlete. Stanley himself was a very healthy sperm. He would do push-ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.
One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day.
Stanley said, “Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right time comes, I am going to be that ONE.”
A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they knew that it was going to be their time to go. They were released abruptly and sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others… All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might…. “GO BACK! GO BACK!’ he screamed….. IT’S A BLOW JOB!!!
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
She says, “Well just put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch the guy goes out to chop some more wood and comes back saying, “Man, my hands are really freezing!”
She says again “Well just put them here between my thighs again and that will warm them up.”
He does and again it warms his hands up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood up to get them through the night. When he returns, he says once more “Honey, my hands are really really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence.
The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR.
Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R.
Then to use it in a sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint to little Suzy and said “Ear” …………..
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a chemist, and the fourth a government worker.
To show off the engineer called his dog, “T-square do your stuff”. T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff”. Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog, “Measure do your stuff”. Measure walked over to the ice box and took out a quart of milk. He got a 10 oz glass and poured exactly 8 ounces of milk without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The three men turned to the government worker and asked – “What can your dog do?”
The government worker called his dog, “Coffee break do your stuff”. Coffee break jummed to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a dump on the paper, sexually assaulted the three other dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, and put in for workmans compensation.
He then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was smart.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times”
Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, “You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge.”
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, “You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, “You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. “What’s wrong, Sam?” they asked.
“You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?” Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, “I just saw my wife go by on a skate board.”
A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine.
“Certainly, sir. Right this way,” says the salesman. “How many cows will you be milking?”
“Just one,” says the farmer.
“Oh,” says the salesman. “Well, sir, I really wouldn’t recommend a milking machine for only one cow. You could milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to set up the machine and clean it afterwards.”
“I said I want a milking machine. Now, are you going to sell me one, or not?” the farmer replies indignantly.
“Well, sure, I’ll sell you one if that’s what you want. Just making sure, that’s all,” says the salesman.
The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the farmer picks one out, after reiterating to the salesman that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he only has one cow. After he’s rung up the sale, the salesman’s curiosity gets the best of him.
“Sir, if you don’t mind my asking, why are you so insistent on buying this milking machine even after all I’ve said?”
“Well,” says the farmer, “I got a new cow a couple of weeks ago. The first time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left side and she put her left foot in the bucket. The next day, I tried milking her from the right side and she put her right foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried milking her from behind and she put her tail in the bucket. The next day, being fed up, I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn, her right leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to the rafter. Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do was milk that cow, I won’t need this milking machine.”
Little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom says, “No, because the dog is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your Father. I think he’s in the garage”.
Little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you”.
Dad said, “Bring Susie over here”. He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s butt with it and said, “Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block”.
Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, “Where’s Susie?”
Little girl said, “Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there’s another dog pushing her home”.
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you’re bouncing up and down on him.”
His mom is taken by surprise and says, “Oh…well…ah….well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”
And the boy says, “Well, that won’t work!”
His mom says, “Why?!?”
And the boy replies, “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!”
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