EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 25’
|EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 25:
Posted 2nd Mar ’12
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson.
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker’s trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house.
Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes.
After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family and no one says a word.!!!
Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone… and no one says a word…!!!!
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on her table. They have even wilder sex and no one says a word…!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when suddenly he hears thunder in the distance… His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline…..and the father says, “Okay dammit…………. I’ll do the dishes.”
A couple are driving along the freeway somewhere on the Nullarbor Plain and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything … the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc … and his wife is getting the absolute shits with his depressing talk.
So she says to him: “One more complaint and I’ll cut your penis off with my Swiss Army knife”.
About half an hour later, sure as nuts he starts complaining again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guys little Richard off and throws it out the window.
Driving behind the couple’s car is a family of three … husband wife and their 8 year old daughter. The penis suddenly lands on their car’s windscreen and the father, in an absolute panic as he doesn’t want his daughter to see quickly puts the windscreen wipers on to get the dick off the windscreen and out of the view of his daughter.
The daughter asks: “Daddy, what was that?”
Her father, still in a panic, replies ” Oh it was only a … uh …butterfly my dear”.
Says the daughter “Well F*** ME! Did you see the size of its cock!”
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles … the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?”.
He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!”
A Texas engineer while in Japan for some meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.
Although, the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling “Gama Su!, Gama Su!”.
Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese engineering colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese.
Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling “Gama Su! Gama Su!”.
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked: “Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?”
Check this out. BEST EVER COMEBACK LINE
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
“You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”.
“I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Davidson) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.”
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. “I just went up and said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?”
He got real surprised, as you’d expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said…
“A pumpkin!? Damn… is it midnight already?”
Once in a medieval times…there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night.
He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest “weapon”.
The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon…he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered…the women swooned…the children waved multi- colored banners…and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered…the women swooned…the children waved multi-colored banners… and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority…the King finally spoke out.
“I have the mightiest weapon of them all!” He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered…the women swooned…the children waved multi-colored banners…and the band played “God Save the Queen.”
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive.
A clerk came up and asked if there’s something he could help her with.
“I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!” She says.
“Well,” said the clerk, “I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?”
“$50.00?? For a Frog??” said the woman.
The clerk said, “It’s a special frog. It’s gives blowjobs.”
So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the strange gift frog, and they’re both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning, she wakes up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what’s going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
“What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?” says the woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, “Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!!!”
A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.
The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.”
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife’s panties, and gave her oral sex.
She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he’d be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
“How did you get in here?” he asked. “Shhhhh!!!” she replied, “you’ll wake-up my mother!”
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.
“I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said. “No ma’am” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.”
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