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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 24’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 24:
Posted – 9th Jan 2012

A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet. Turning to the man on his right he asked, “Did you pour beer on my trousers?”

“Nope,” came the reply.

Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, “Did you pour beer on my trousers?”

The man also replied, “Nope.” “Then it must be an inside job,” he murmured.



A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information: Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!

So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife’s gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone.

When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man who was shouting and aving his hands in the air: Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?!?!



This story is from one of the ” lucky ” passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during hurricane “Bob”.

The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same – rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain’s voice came on the intercom. “Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn’t it?  But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I’m happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today’s flight crew, I’d like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.”

After a short pause and several clicks – “Jesus Christ – what a bitchin’ ride! Boy – I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now.”

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin (to inform the captain that his intercom was still on), one of the passengers called after her, “Don’t forget the coffee!”



A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window.

The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.” The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”



A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.

So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she’s back at the doctor. She says, “Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Naah… “, she says, “that’s okay. We aren’t going back to that Restaurant anyway.”



A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

“You’re right,” she said.

“I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”



One fine day an older couple were at home, and the wife said to her husband, “I got a couple of errands to run, and when I’m done I’m going to stop by pick us up a couple of ice cream sundaes. What would you like on yours?”

The husband replied, “I want some hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream, and a cherry on top. But you better write that down, because knowing your memory you’ll forget for sure.”

“I will not!” replied the wife indignantly. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with my memory.”

“Suit yourself,” said the husband, “but I know you won’t get it right.”

So the wife takes off, and after running her errands, she had completely forgotton about the sundaes and came home with a couple of deli sandwiches instead.

When she got home and her husband looked at the sandwiches he exclaimed, “I knew it! I just knew you wouldn’t get it right. I explicitly told you that I didn’t want any mustard or tomatoes on mine!”



The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick.

When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints. Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.

One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to demontrate.

The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror. From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.



Little Bobby walked into his parents’ bedroom while they were making love.

“What’re you doing?” asked the child. ”

Why, ‘er, we’re playing poker, son,” replied his father.

“What’s mama doing?”

“She’s my partner.”

Bobby ambled out of the bedroom, and as he walked down the hall, he heard noises in his sister’s bedroom. He stopped, opened the door and discovered the girl having intercourse with her boyfriend. “What’re you doing?” asked Bobby.

“We’re playing poker,” replied his sister.

“And what about him?” asked the child, pointing to her sister’s pal.

“He’s my partner.”

The youngster left the room and went down the hall to the room of Roger, his teenage brother, who was masturbating furiously.

“What are you doing?” asked the child.

“I’m playing poker,” replied Roger.

“Where’s your partner?”

“Listen,” said the older brother, “when you’ve got a good hand, you don’t need a partner!”


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