Home > The EYE-BALL JokeZone > EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 23’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 23’

The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 23:
Posted – 9th Jan 2012
Smiling

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?”

“Sir,” answered the little man, “it’s a little four week old female puppy.”

“Bull!” roared the biker, “how could your puppy kill my Doberman?”

“It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.”

_______________________________

Smiling

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven.

At an orientation they are asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say……LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!”

_______________________________

Smiling

Miss Bea was in her 80’s and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water.

In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. “Miss Bea,” he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this.” Pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven’t had a cold all winter!”

_______________________________

Smiling

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman’s face was burned severely.

The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.

The husband then donated some of his skin….however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!”

He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough everytime your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!”

_______________________________

Smiling

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

_______________________________

Smiling

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ‘penis’ in tiny letters. S

he turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

_______________________________

Smiling

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Wow,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Ted said.

“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Ed said.

“Well, what’s yours like?” Ted said.

“Straight, like normal,” Ed said.

“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said.

“Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.”

“Cripes,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A guy walks into a bar, orders a shot of whiskey, slams it down, slides the empty shot glass all the way down the end of the bar, leaps up on the bar, drops his pants, and announces to the bartender…”I’ll bet you $20 I can piss into that shot glass from here without spilling a drop.”

The bartender is, of course, very skeptical, so he says…”Mister, you’ve got yourself a bet.”

The man asks the bartender to come closer to where he is standing on the bar for a closer look at the action. With the bartender right next to him, the man suddenly turns and unleashes a huge whiz right in the bartenders face! The bartender, stunned at first, begins laughing and hollering, pleased with the fact that he has just won $20.

However, after he stops laughing, he asks the man…”Mister, why would you make such a bet with me if you weren’t sure that you could whiz into the shot glass?”

The man replied…”See that guy over there by the pinball machine? When I first came in, I bet him $200 that I could piss in your face and you’d laugh about it!”

_______________________________

Smiling

There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life’s dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate’s Compass Company.

Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts.

Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate’s Compass to help them find their way.

Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South.

Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate’s compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, “He who has a Tate’s is lost.” (Say it out loud).

_______________________________

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

 

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 15th Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand alone JokeSocially Unacceptable Humour
  4. Stand Alone Joke – The CIA Admission Test
  5. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  6. Stand Alone Joke – Various – 18
  7. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  8. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  9. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Advertisements
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone
%d bloggers like this: