Home > The EYE-BALL JokeZone > EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 22’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 22’

December 22, 2011
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 22:
Posted  22nd Dec ’11
Smiling

There’s this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison …”

_______________________________

Smiling

A traveling salesman, while in a rural town, decided to check out the local bar, frequented by the Harley Davidson crowd. Upon ordering a drink, he noticed a huge “pickle jar” crammed with crumbled $20 bills.

“What’s with the money jar”, he asked the bartender.

“That’s the entry fee and prize money for an ongoing contest…going on pretty near 2 years. Nobody’s won it so far” replies the bartender.

“What do you have to do in order to win?” asks the salesman.

“3 things. First, do you see the bouncer over there built like Arnold Swarztenegger? You have to knock him out. Secondly, in the back room there’s a hungry, mean pit bull. You have to bring out one of his teeth. Finally, there’s a 85 year-old 300 lb women upstairs that needs some lovin’, if ya know what I mean”, replies the bartender.

As the nite went on, and the liquor flowed, the quite woosy salesman mustered his bravery and, slamming down a $20, yells to all in range….”I’m In!!!!!!!”.

As the crowd grew instantly quiet, he sneaks up on the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder, and as he turned around, he breaks a chair over his head, knocking him out cold. The whole place goes wild and the chanting starts…”GO…GO…GO” they yell encouragement.

He goes into the back room, where almost instantly, you hear barking, screaming, dust flying off the barnwood walls, pictures falling off the wall. It was a most horrific sound emitting from the room, when suddenly….dead quiet! The door opens and out comes the bloodied, and mangled salesman, his clothes in tatters. “OK”, he yells out. “Where’s the old broad with the toothache”.

_______________________________

Smiling

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, here comes the bride down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk behind the counter looked really concerned.

“Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator! The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak. “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!”

_______________________________

Smiling

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks the father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies….well, you see that 3 pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asks his father, well what’s the 6 pack for? The father replies, well that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, well that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March . . .

_______________________________

Smiling

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed at the two sacks the man carried on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” said the man.

“Get them off – we’ll take a look.”

The man did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every day for six weeks, until one day the man with the sand bags didn’t show up. A few days later, the guard happened to meet him downtown.

“Say friend, you sure had us crazy. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what was it ?”

“Bicycles!”

_______________________________

Smiling

A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night. They’re talking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for her birthday.

“I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring”, said the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled by this, says “why in the hell did you get her both?”

The rich man replies, “I got her both because if she doesn’t like the ring, she can take it back in her new car and exchange it.”

After this, the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her birthday. The poor man responds, “I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo.”

Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items. The poor man replied, ” Because if she don’t like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself.”

_______________________________

Smiling

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dip in the nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared ?

He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.

Then one of the ladies said: ‘You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.’

‘Impossible,’ said the embarrassed man, ‘ Do you really know what I think?’

‘Yes,’ the lady replied, ‘I know that you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom in it.’

_______________________________

Smiling

A man is caught, by a forest ranger, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and to the ranger’s horror, eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime.

On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

MAN: “Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

JUDGE: “Proceed.”

MAN: “I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”

JUDGE: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

JUDGE: “Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.”

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: “If you don’t mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

MAN: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”

_______________________________

Smiling

Harley Davidson dies and goes to Heaven, of course. One day, he finds himself talking to God.

God says, “You know Harley, I really liked your bikes. There was only one thing wrong with them, though; the inlet was too close to the exhaust.”

Harley replied, “I know, I couldn’t find any way around that. I noticed you had the same problem when you created women; with the inlet being too close to the exhaust.”

God gets a little angry and responds, “Maybe so, but more people rode my model than yours.”

_______________________________

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

 

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 15th Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand alone JokeSocially Unacceptable Humour
  4. Stand Alone Joke – The CIA Admission Test
  5. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  6. Stand Alone Joke – Various – 18
  7. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  8. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  9. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Advertisements
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone
%d bloggers like this: