Home > The EYE-BALL JokeZone > EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 19’

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 19’

December 15, 2011
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 19:
Posted  15th Dec ’11
Smiling

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband returns drunk home from being out with his friends. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum.

He looks at the dog and says “Boy, I don’t remember what the hell happened last night, but where ever you and I where, we got first and second place.”

_______________________________

Smiling

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs,”Where’s the money?”

The deaf man signs in response, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about”

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where the money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”

The deaf man signs back, “The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.”

The interpreter looks to the hood and says, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”

The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.”

_______________________________

Smiling

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, “My God. Do they eat dogs in America?”

“I don’t know!” says the other, equally appalled.

“Well,” says the first, “we’re going to be Americans, so we must do as they do.”

They approach the vendor bravely. “Two hot dogs, please.”

The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, “Uh, which part of the dog did you get?”

_______________________________

Smiling

A pregnant woman is in a bank when an armed robber enters the bank and shoots the pregnant woman three times in the stomach. The woman is rushed to hospital where the doctor saves the woman’s life. When the woman leaves hospital she asks the doctor about her baby, the doctor replies that she is going to have triplets. They’re fine but each one has a bullet lodged in it’s stomach. “Don’t worry though,” says the doctor, “The bullets will pass through their system over the course of time.”

As time goes on the woman has the triplets -two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says “Mummy, I’ve done a very weird thing!”. Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies “I passed a bullet into the toilet”. The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. “Mummy, I’ve done a very weird thing!”. The mother says “Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”.

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says “Yes. How did you know?”. The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says “Mummy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”. His mother asks, “You passed a bullet into the toilet,right?”

The son replies, “No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog.”

_______________________________

Smiling

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.

The next day, the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.

At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”

_______________________________

Smiling

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? what do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”

The father replies “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!”

_______________________________

Smiling

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried.

“I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

_______________________________

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 15th Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand alone JokeSocially Unacceptable Humour
  4. Stand Alone Joke – The CIA Admission Test
  5. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  6. Stand Alone Joke – Various – 18
  7. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  8. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  9. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Advertisements
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone
%d bloggers like this: