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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 18’

December 12, 2011
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 18:
Posted  12th Dec ’11
Smiling

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “Yes, officer?”

“What are you doing?” the policeman asked.

“What does it look like?” answered the young man. “I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, “And what is she doing?”

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting.”

“And how old are you?” the officer then asked the young man.

“I’m nineteen,” he replied.

“And how old is she?” asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, “Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be eighteen.”

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Smiling

A man abandoned a sinking ship and found himself on a deserted island. Deserted, that is, except for a small Irishman. The man suddenly realized what that might mean, and said, “You’re a leprecaun, aren’t you?”

“Aye, that I am, laddie.” Said the small man.

“Well,” said the man, “that means I get three wishes, right?”

“Ah, lad, you see, you used to get 3 wishes from a leprecaun, but times be a changin. The leprecaun was always getting the short end of that, so now you get two wishes, then you’ve got to grant me one.”

The man agreed and chose his first wish. “I need a large, luxury speed boat to get me off of this island.”

“Aye tis done for ya, just around da corner in da cove.”

“Ok, and for my second wish, I want the boat filled with good beer and beautiful women.”

“Done. Now it’s time for my wish. I want ta pound ya in de arse.” The man wasn’t happy about this, but it was his only chance off the island so he pulled down his pants, and leaned over a rock. Pretty soon the little man was going and it much to the man’s chagrin.

“So whats… your… name?” Asked the Irishman between breaths. “Phil.” The man choked out.

“And…how old…are ya…Phil?

“thirty….thrity….thirty-seven” The man gasped.

The irishman laughed a bit and get on pumping… “So … your thirty-seven … and you still believe in leprecauns, eh?”

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Smiling

Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued.

First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second Guy says: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third Guy says: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth Guy: “That’s easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, ‘Golf Course or Intercourse?’ So she says, ‘Wear your sweater.’

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Smiling

Two guys were trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”

He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.”

The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.” He gets about halfway there and comes back. The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”

The first guy says, “Small world.”

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Smiling

A bloke walking home from work is stopped by a homeless bum. “Excuse me sir” the bum asks the bloke “Would you have a spare couple of bucks for a feed?”

“I tell you what” he bloke replies “What say we duck in to the pub and I’ll shout you a beer.”

“Sorry, I don’t drink” replies the bum “I just want a couple of bucks for some food.”

“How about a smoke?” the bloke says, pulling out his pack of Winnies.

“Don’t smoke, just want some money for some grub.” the bum replies.

“Well here’s a lottery ticket I can give you, might win a million!” the bloke hands him his lotto ticket.

“No, I just want some food.” the bum replies, getting agitated.

“OK, why don’t you come home with me and I’ll get the missus to set an extra place for you, she’s a good cook!” says the bloke.

“For Christs sake, I just want a couple of bucks for some food! Why do you want to take me to your home?” yells the bum.

“Well, “the bloke replies – “I just want to show my wife what happens when you don’t drink, smoke or gamble!”

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Smiling

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero”.

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

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Smiling

It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. “Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?”

The waiter replied, “Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”

The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don’t actually touch myself, there’s no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”

“Wait a minute,” said the diner. “How do you get your penis back in your pants?” “Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

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Smiling

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. “Can I help you?” the madam asked.

“I want Natalie,” the old man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…”

“No, I must see Natalie.”

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts… it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row… where are you from?”

The old man replied, “I am from Minsk.”

“Really?” replied Natalie, “I have a sister who lives there.”

“Yes; I know,” said the old man. “She gave me $3,000 to give to you.”

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Smiling

Fred and Edith were living in the Old Folks Home. One day, Fred says to Edith, “Hey, Edith! You wanna go for a boat ride?”

Edith says, “Sure!” So, there they were paddling along… and they come to a fork in the river. Fred says, pointing to the left and then to the right, “Edith… up or down?”

Edith says, “What??” Fred, again, pointing to the left and then to the right, says “Up… or down?”

Well, Edith starts RIPPING her clothes off, then rips the clothes right off of Fred’s back and starts screwing the hell out of him! When they’re finished, Fred rows back to the Old Folks Home *extremely* happy.

The next week, Fred says “Edith (wink, wink) wanna go for a boat ride? (wink, wink)”

Edith says, “Why, sure!” So, there they go, Fred paddling like a madman, trying to reach the fork in the river. They reach the fork and Fred turns anxiously to Edith and says, “Edith! Up or down!?”

Edith looks at the fork in the river and says, “Oh… up, I guess.”

Fred looks at her confused and repeats, “Edith… UP or DOWN?” Edith, again looks at the fork and repeats, “UP.” Fred, looking quite confused says

“Edith… what is with you?

Last week I said ‘up or down’ and you tore your clothes off and screwed me like a madwoman!”

Edith, shocked says: “Is THAT what you said? UP or DOWN? Omigosh… my hearing aid was in the shop getting fixed last week… I thought you said ‘Fuck or Drown’!”

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SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

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SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
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