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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 17’

December 8, 2011
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 17:
Posted  8th Dec ’11

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!”

Jerry says, “Hey, I tried. I really did.

When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, ‘Should we take them with us or eat them here?’ I couldn’t keep quiet any more!”



A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

“Well,” says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.”

“Oh, no.” the woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back.”

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, “There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.”

“That’s what I want!” exclaims the lady. “Let’s do that.”

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office. “Well, how’s the procedure holding up?” the doctor asks.

“Terrible!” the lady bellows. “It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made!”

“What’s wrong?” asks the doctor.

“Just look at these bags under my eyes!” she hollers.

“Lady,” the doctor retorts, “those aren’t bags, those are your tits. And if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!”



A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.”

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited and minute and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair….”

To which his father replied….”Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!”



Two mates in a pub, when one says to the other, “Bill, do you find short fat women attractive?”

Bill replies “Hell no, Tom !”

Tom says back to Bill “Y’know Bill, do you find wrinkly old flabby skin attractive?”

Bill replies “Not at all, Tom !”

And Tom says to Bill “Bill, do you find ears with hair coming out of them and big hairy noses attractive?”

Bill replies “Ooh yuck ! That’s disgusting”

Tom replies “Well why the hell are you screwing my wife?”



An Aussie tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

“Fer fuck’s sake!” the bloke cried “What the hell’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke rooting a sheep, and now some bloke’s flogging himself in the bar!”

“Fair go, mate” the bartender told him “you can’t expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep.”



These 2 kids have a dog tied to the front of their go-kart. Just as they’re about to zoom off down the hill, an RSPCA official stops them. What’s going on here?” he asks one of the kids.

“We’re just using the dog to pull our kart” the kid replies.

“Well” the official says “You have the dog tied to your kart and you’re using him to pull you around, and that’s cruelty to animals.”

“Wha’d he say? ” the kid’s mate asks the other kid.

“Sumpin about cruelty to animals”.

On closer inspection, the RSPCA man sees a piece of wire around the dog’s testicles. “This looks like inhumanity” he says to the kid “What’s it used for?”

The other kid looks at his mate and says “What’s he on about now?”

The kid looks back at his mate “Dunno, I think he’s talking about the overtaking gear.”



I am an EMT and worked on an ambulance in Trenton for a few years. One of the places that we were frequently called to was a nursing home in town. We were in there so much that we got to know the staff and even some of the patients pretty well….especially John. John was “with it” but just a little too old to live alone and take care of himself. Over time he got to know some of our faces, including mine, and would always say hello when he saw us coming down the hall.

Well, one day, as we’re picking up a patient I saw John walking down the hall with a really depressed look on his face and I asked him, “What’s the matter John?”

John’s response was, “My dick died.”

I said “What?”

His response once again was, “My dick died.”

I was in a hurry and didn’t have time to chat about it so I just said that I was sorry to hear it and kept going. A few days later we were back in the nursing home again for another patient when I see John walking down the hall and I notice that he is “exposed.” I said, “Do you feel a draft John?”

And he just looked puzzled and said, “What?”

I leaned over so as not to embarrass him and said, “John, your penis is hanging out of your pajamas.”

He looked at me and said, “well I told you my dick died right?”

And I said, “yeah.”

His response, “Well today’s the viewing.”



Three couples went camping to enjoy the beauty of nature. They backpacked, swam in the streams, cooked dinner over a fire and sang camp songs. At the end of the evening they decided to turn in. Because they only had two tents, they decided that the men would sleep in one tent and the women in the other.

At three in the morning Bob woke up excitedly saying…..”This is incredible!

I just woke up with the biggest, firmest, and most amazing erection I have ever experienced in my entire life! I have got to get into the other tent to have sex with my wife!”

Dan groggily replied to Bob, “Well…..Do you want me to come with you?”

“Hell NO!” replied Bob.

“Why would I want you to do that?”

“Because thats my dick your holding”. said Dan.



God looks over the millions of people and says “Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with Saint Peter, and the men to form two lines. Make one line of the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other of men who were dominated by their women.”

There’s much movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated is 100 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.

God gets angry and says, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!”

He turns to the man and says, “Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?”

The man says, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”


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