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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 16’

December 8, 2011
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 16:
Posted  8th Dec ’11
Smiling

An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bad. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic piles, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir.”

_______________________________

Smiling

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that’s what he called her):  I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that’s what she called him):  I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

_______________________________

Smiling

Three young women are at a cocktail party.

The conversation turns to their position in life and it’s clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis.”

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my parents house for two weeks.”

The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth.”

“Well,” the third one says, “I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!”

_______________________________

Smiling

This guy went to see his doctor and was diagnosed as having a tapeworm. “They’re not easy to get rid of, but we’ll give it our best shot, “the doctor told him, and instructed him to come in every day for two weeks, and to bring a lemon cookie and a hard-boiled egg.

The guy agreed, and showed up the next morning with the two items. To his horror, the doctor shoved the hard-boiled egg up his asshole, followed it with the crumbled-up cookie, and sent him home. This went on for twelve more days, at which point the doctor’s instructions were to forget the cookie and bring in the egg and a hammer.

On the last day the fellow dropped his pants in considerable apprehension, gritting his teeth as the doctor inserted the egg up his ass and calmly sat back. A few minutes later the tapeworm stuck his head out and said, “Where in the fuck is my lemon cookie?”

_______________________________

Smiling

A patient was waiting in a pre-op room for his vasectomy. A nurse walked in, lifted his robes, and gave him a blow job. The patient exclaimed: “Hey, that was great, but why?”

The nurse responded: “The doctor likes your tubes to be flushed prior to the operation.”

As the patient was being wheeled into the operating room, he noticed other patients masturbating. He asked the attendant why they were doing this. The attendant replied that they, too, were about to have vasectomies. The patient then inquired why he got a blow job, while they had to masturbate.

“Simple,” said the attendant. “They have HMO, while you have Blue Cross.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to call off the wedding, its okay by her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind if she is flat chested, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below the waist it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage it’s okay with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there were far more important things than sex in a marriage.

They were both happy that they were honest with each other. They went onto Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard.

Finally the gut took off his clothes. One glance at the guy’s naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious, the guy asked; “I told you before we got married, why did you still faint” ?

The girl said; “You told me it was just like a baby”

The guy replied; “Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches”

_______________________________

Smiling

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. “Good morning madam, I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?”

“Oh yes, all the time. It’s very good for cuts, grazes and burns.”

“Do you use it for anything else?”

“Like what?”

“Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex.”

“Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns….

Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway-why are you going so slow?”

Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”

Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!

Sister: “Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.”

Sister: “Oh, we just got off of highway 119.”

_______________________________

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

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Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
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