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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 15’

December 7, 2011
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 15:
Posted  7th Dec ’11
Smiling

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”

The man said “No.”

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!”

The man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“That’s really sad,” said Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”

“No,” the man replied, “they’re all at the funeral.”

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Smiling

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.

“But, how will you know when our baby is born?” she asked.

“Well,” he said, “after you’ve had the baby, just send me a post card and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back.”

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office. “Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today,” she explained. “I don’t understand what it means!”

“Just wait till I get home and I’ll read it,” he replied.

Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card, which said: “SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT: TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!”

_______________________________

Smiling

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”

He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, “That was incredible!” He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.” So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No.” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine suddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said, “Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn’t work.”

The angry husband replied, “What do I look like? The freakin’ Maytag man?” and hung up.

The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing. She got in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn’t start. She again called her husband at work and said, “Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn’t start. Can you come home and take a look at it?”

Again, the angry husband snaps, “What do I look like? Freakin’ Mr. Good-wrench?” and hung up.

She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and said, “Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty.”

The lady said, “Wow, you’re a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?”

The Maytag man says, “I’ll tell ya what lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex with me – your choice.”

Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex.

The husband then said “Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?”

The lady said, “What do I look like? Freakin’ Betty Crocker?”

_______________________________

Smiling

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a bit of a problem. I’ll have to take my clothes off to show you.”

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She gets undressed, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. “Well, what is it?” he asks.

“It’s a bit embarrassing,” she replies, “These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.” The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, “Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?”

The woman blushes and says, “Well,… yes, actually I have.”

“That’s the problem!” the doctor says,

“Tell him that his earrings aren’t made of real gold!”

_______________________________

Smiling

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her, her drink she says “it’s my birthday today and I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday.”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday I’ll buy you a drink in fact I’ll take care of this one for you.”

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says “I guess I should buy you a drink.”

The old woman says, “All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”

“All right,” says the bartender. As she finishes her drink the man to her right says,

“Since I’m the only one around you that hasn’t bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one.”

The old woman says, “All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am I’m dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sunny you learn that when your my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can’t hold your water.”

_______________________________

Smiling

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives. Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world. “That may be true”, said Sleeping Beauty, “but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world”.

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women. After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth. First, Hercules went into Guru’s cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: “It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!”

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: “Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???”

_______________________________

Smiling

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

The 80 year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The 90 year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow.”

“So what’s your problem?” ask the others.

“I don’t wake up until nine!”

_______________________________

Smiling

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, “Help, send the police to my house right away! There’s a damn Democrat on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.”

“What?” the operator exclaimed.

“I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird; I don’t know him and I’m afraid! Please send the police!” the little old lady repeated.

“Well, now, how do you know he’s a Democrat?”

“Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he’d be screwing somebody!”

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Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

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Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
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