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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘The CIA Admission Test’

December 7, 2011 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘The CIA Admission Test’
Posted 7th Dec ’11
SmilingThe CIA Admission Test:

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances”, they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”.

“Well”, says the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances”, they explained to the second man, “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home.”

Now they’re down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair!”

_______________________________

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons – 
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!!  If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
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Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 15’

December 7, 2011 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 15:
Posted  7th Dec ’11
Smiling

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”

The man said “No.”

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!”

The man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“That’s really sad,” said Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”

“No,” the man replied, “they’re all at the funeral.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.

“But, how will you know when our baby is born?” she asked.

“Well,” he said, “after you’ve had the baby, just send me a post card and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back.”

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office. “Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today,” she explained. “I don’t understand what it means!”

“Just wait till I get home and I’ll read it,” he replied.

Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card, which said: “SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT: TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!”

_______________________________

Smiling

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”

He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, “That was incredible!” He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.” So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No.” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine suddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said, “Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn’t work.”

The angry husband replied, “What do I look like? The freakin’ Maytag man?” and hung up.

The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing. She got in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn’t start. She again called her husband at work and said, “Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn’t start. Can you come home and take a look at it?”

Again, the angry husband snaps, “What do I look like? Freakin’ Mr. Good-wrench?” and hung up.

She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and said, “Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty.”

The lady said, “Wow, you’re a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?”

The Maytag man says, “I’ll tell ya what lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex with me – your choice.”

Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex.

The husband then said “Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?”

The lady said, “What do I look like? Freakin’ Betty Crocker?”

_______________________________

Smiling

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a bit of a problem. I’ll have to take my clothes off to show you.”

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She gets undressed, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. “Well, what is it?” he asks.

“It’s a bit embarrassing,” she replies, “These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.” The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, “Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?”

The woman blushes and says, “Well,… yes, actually I have.”

“That’s the problem!” the doctor says,

“Tell him that his earrings aren’t made of real gold!”

_______________________________

Smiling

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her, her drink she says “it’s my birthday today and I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday.”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday I’ll buy you a drink in fact I’ll take care of this one for you.”

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says “I guess I should buy you a drink.”

The old woman says, “All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”

“All right,” says the bartender. As she finishes her drink the man to her right says,

“Since I’m the only one around you that hasn’t bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one.”

The old woman says, “All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am I’m dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sunny you learn that when your my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can’t hold your water.”

_______________________________

Smiling

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives. Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world. “That may be true”, said Sleeping Beauty, “but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world”.

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women. After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth. First, Hercules went into Guru’s cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: “It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!”

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: “Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???”

_______________________________

Smiling

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

The 80 year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The 90 year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow.”

“So what’s your problem?” ask the others.

“I don’t wake up until nine!”

_______________________________

Smiling

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, “Help, send the police to my house right away! There’s a damn Democrat on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.”

“What?” the operator exclaimed.

“I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird; I don’t know him and I’m afraid! Please send the police!” the little old lady repeated.

“Well, now, how do you know he’s a Democrat?”

“Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he’d be screwing somebody!”

_______________________________

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL Guru on – Australia’s ‘BIG FOUR’ Banks … their real dilemma in passing on Interest rate cuts …

December 7, 2011 3 comments
The-EYE-BALL-Opinion-Header-2
Title:
Australia’s ‘BIG FOUR’ Banks …
– their real dilemma in passing on RBA Interest Rate cuts …
Some questions arise when the CEO of the Bankers Association is sent out to front the probing media over questions why the ‘Big Four’ Banks have not passed on the full RBA rate reductions.  Australian Prudential Regulation Association – [APRA] – set up in early 2000 to oversee the operations and regulatory conduct of Australian Financial Iinstitutions – [AFI’s] – receive monthly data from all AFI’s on their assets to liabilities classifications.From one of APRA’s Quarterly Statistical spreadsheets the following asset classification chart is presented –

Bank Asset Classification

From this data – home mortgage exposure for owner-occupied and housing investment amounts to A$1.069 trillion.  A 0.25% interest rate reduction on this value of loans/assets would reduce the Banks revenue stream by A$7.3 million per day, A$222.6 million per month and a whopping $A2,671.5 billion every year.  That means that for every day the Big Four Banks dither over passing all or part of the rate reduction on to its customers – they make their pro-rata portion of that A$7.3 million.

The claim by the Bankers Association CEO is that the wholesale ‘cost of funds’ is the reason Banks are pausing.  They claim that the Bank’s cost to raise these wholesale funds is around .50%.  They also claim that their wholesale fund exposures are around 20% of their total funding requirements.  The expectation is that they will pass on a portion of the interest rate reduction of around .15% – meaning that of the .50% RBA reduction over the last two monthly periods – the big four Banks will have passed on somewhere around .30 – .35% of the RBA’s .50%.

Australia do not offer 25-30 year fixed rate mortgages as they do in the USA.   The longest Australian Banks will fix a residential mortgage is around 5 years.  During a 30 year mortgage a residential property goes through many property valuation cycles – the most important is the ‘un-improved valuation’ made by Local Councils looking to generate rate increases to fund their own budgets.  This is one of the many hazards borrowers face in their quest for home ownership.   The fact that one in three homes is owned puts the other 66% subject to mortgage cost stress factors.

One of the outcomes the US and European ‘sup-prime’ collapse taught us is that dependence on mis-matched funding of Bank assets leads to potential exposures that render Banks vulnerable to short-term funding crisis’ … RBA monetary Policy management comes down to the Banks reflecting the RBA interest rate moves – the question is who dictates monetary policy if the Banks do not pass on the RBA rate movements?

Australian Bank dependency on off-shore wholesale funding to maintain its asset increase since the GFC impact, is causing the major Banks to consider withholding some of the RBA rate reductions from its customers.  The bottom line number of A$2.671 billion coming from the yearly cost of .25% on the residential property market is a significant revenue cost to bare if they were to pass it all onto customers.

The Treasurer and RBA certainly wants it passed onto Bank customers – yet the Banks pause.

Shareholder returns verses mortgage stress is the equation – Bank executive bonus’ and reduced share value are the consequence … morally Banks have shown themselves to be mercenary when it comes to Bank fees and charges.  The recent court case success – [a committal hearing win] –  against the ANZ over late payment and dishonour fees proves the point that the Banks will have a case to answer.

What has ASIC and ACCC been doing if it required a private customers class action suit to have the Banks exposed on their fee structures.

All Regulatory Authorities are Government funded and their accountability is to whom?

In the Banking sector Banks have for decades been getting away with policies that increase the cost for customers to deal with Banks.  Their revenue creep from sources that have nothing to do with lending and borrowing monies sits around 30%  of Bank revenues.   Staff expenditures against operating expenses has risen from 43% in 2005 to 57% in 2011.   These are areas where the regulatory authorities have not performed.

When the RBA and the Government means to deliver a rate cut to Australia’s mortgage belt – do the Banks have the right to withhold that reduction because they have mismanaged their own liability portfolio?   That is the question that needs to be asked!

To see other recent EYE-BALL Guru postsClick on this link:

 ____________________________________________

GuruThe EYE-BALL Guru …

EYE-BALL Guru on – Why the RBA errs on Interest Rate policy …

December 7, 2011 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-Opinion-Header-2
Title:
Why the RBA errs on Interest Rate policy …
The RBA did the expected yesterday when they cut another 0.25% of official interest rates.  The big four majors – CBA, ANZ, WBC and NAB have yet to respond to the decision.  The delay has given media outlets plenty of copy in today’s tabloids.

The fear is ‘flight of capital’.  For many years the RBA have given off-shore investors every reason to invest in the A$ and its high interest rate policy as compared with many of our major trading partners.

Keeping that capital in Australia is the priority of the RBA when it comes to setting official interest rate policy.  There can be no other reason – a quick survey of interest rate levels in the major economies of the world are reveal in the Trading Economics linked graph below:

Major Nations Interest Rates

Clearly the gap between interest rates of the major western and developed economies show Australia as a most attractive option for off-shore investors. The RBA and Treasured Swan have given glowing and welcoming reports about the committed A$250 odd billion investment in Australia’s future resource developments by off-shore investors. This capital investment is one of the reasons the A$ remains high relative to its long-term mean average of around A$0.75c … see chart below …

A$ historical chart

For two decades now the RBA have believed they are fighting a war on ‘inflation’ – since 2007 and the commencement of the GFC this preoccupation has hurt Australian mortgage holders to the tune of $10’s thousands of dollars.   In essence – the offshore investors who are enjoying the high interest rates relative to their own economies – and the appreciation and continued high value of the A$ – have ripped the heart out of the Australian mortgage sector who have been forced to pay the higher interest rate price that the RBA deemed necessary to fight inflation – see Trading Economies chart below for major economies inflation rates  –

Major Nations Inflation Rates

The RBA is an institution that operates under a charter agreed to by both sides of Government.  That charter is heavily weighted toward the fight in inflation and the management of the economy to keep inflation within a narrow band.  This mandate appears in part below as copied from Wikipedia sources

RBARoles and responsibilities
Reserve Bank of Australia in Canberra

It is currently governed by the Reserve Bank Act 1959, which was approved by Parliament. The Reserve Bank Board’s duty stated in the Act, within its outlined boundaries, is to ensure that the Bank’s monetary and banking policy is used to help the Australian population. This should be accomplished through consultation with the Government and so in the Reserve Bank Board’s opinion that its powers are used to help with:

  1. the stability of the currency of Australia
  2. the maintenance of full employment in Australia; and
  3. the economic prosperity and welfare of the people of Australia.

In practice the Reserve Bank concentrates on the first objective, that is to control inflation through monetary policy. The current objective is a policy of inflation targeting aimed at maintaining the annual inflation rate at between “2-3 per cent, on average, over the cycle”. This target was first set in 1993 by the then Reserve Bank Governor Bernie Fraser and was then formalised in 1996 by the then Treasurer Peter Costello and incoming Reserve Bank Governor Ian Mcfarlane.

When Australia’s big four Banks play with the value of how much of any rate cut they elect to pass on to their mortgage holders – again the mortgage sector suffers for their Banks need to deliver profitability  to its shareholders above a fair outcome to their customers.

The collective A$30 billion plus profit performance announced by these same four Banks in their current reporting period make light of comparisons in how these four Banks are struggling to shore up balance sheets as are the other global Banks around the world.

The recent S&P downgrade of these same four Australian Banks has been largely shrugged off – yet the continued reporting of falling property prices across Australia’s major cities renders the 60% portion of the Banks residential loan book tethering on the brink of further negative equity equations.  The other on-going claw that contributes to the ratings downgrade is the lift in mortgage delinquencies in the last 6-9 months.  In essence borrowers are falling behind on their loan repayments – yet the Banks continue to accrue the debt.  When the music stops and these Banks are forced to deal with the reality – their balance sheets will begin to collapse and that is why they are reluctant to pass on the full measure of RBA rate cuts.

The Banks have announced they will have to pay higher borrowing costs to roll over their maturing off-shore funding – and this leads to the reluctance  for them to pass on the full RBA rate reductions.  Treasurer Swan beats is chest to try and intimidate the Banks but his is a hollow gesture – he and the RBA have their mandate wrong as are their reasons to keep the A$ at such high levels.

Meaningful policies that suit Australian’s business interests and its export economy where we increasingly rely on export revenues from our resources and agriculture,  would fare far better off to the tune of A$100’s billions in export revenues – if the A$ was nearer its mean average – see chart above.   The continued high dollar has also crippled the tourism, manufacturing and retail sectors.

In these economic matters both Treasurer Swan and the RBA have been asleep at the wheel and are working on a false premise that ‘inflation’ is the enemy – this is ridiculously stupid in the extreme …

The high dollar high interest rate policy allows off-shore investors to park their liquid funds and siphon off Australia’s wealth with the only penalty being a weak and avoidable ‘withholding tax’ levy.

Australia’s mortgage belt is hurting and that is further pressuring mortgage defaults that will have them revisit the 1992-5 recession where Bank mortgage sales reached all time highs.   This downward spiral will add more pressure on house prices which in turn creates self-fulfilling pressures on the increased negative equity equation.   The spiral effect is like a developing black-hole within the Australian mortgage sector and it is a real and ever widening crisis.

This should be the real concern for the RBA and Treasurer as they continue with their flawed and stupid interest rate and high dollar policy to fight inflation.

To see other recent EYE-BALL Guru postsClick on this link:

 ____________________________________________

GuruThe EYE-BALL Guru …

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