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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 14’

December 6, 2011
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 14:
Posted  6th Dec ’11
Smiling

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It’s great! I hit under par every time.”

“I did that for you,” responds the leprechaun, “And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

“Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill” he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?”

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

Floored the leprechaun stammers, “Once or twice a week?”

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

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Smiling

Two men were talking. One of them wanted to know the diffrence between ‘aggravation’ and ‘irritation’. The other one said, “Hand me the phone book. I’ll show you the difference”.

He called a number and a woman answered ” hello,” he said “I’d like to speak to Joe.”

The woman replied sweetly, “I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.”

The caller apologized and hung up. He wait a minute and then redialed the woman’s number. “I’d like to speak to Joe.” he said,

When the woman answered, “you must be the same gentleman who called before.” She said, “I’m sorry,but you have dialed the wrong number again.”

He apologized once more. A minute later, he dialed the same number. “Let me talk to Joe” he said.

The women was by now obviously angry, “I’ve told you twice that there is no Joe living here! Don’t bother me again!” With that, she slammed down the phone.

The man turned to his friend and said “That’s irritation. Now I’ll show you what aggravation is.” He dialed the number again. When the women answered, he said, “This is Joe, did anybody call me?”

_______________________________

Smiling

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could. Time for the practical exam came around and he prepared carefully and completed the exam. When the results came back, he was surprised to find he had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.

“The instructor said “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust pipe!”

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Smiling

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun, whose purpose it is to launch dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, at that vehicle’s maximum traveling velocity. The idea being, that it will simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough.

British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high speed trains. However, upon the firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.

The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: “Thaw the chicken.”

_______________________________

Smiling

After a long discussion, a father agrees to let his son put him in a nursing home as long as the son calls each day to check on him. The first night, the old man becomes aroused while a nurse is giving him a bath and she takes care of it for him.

The next day the son calls and his dad says, “Oh, don’t worry about me son. This is a great place…I love it here.”

That evening an orderly is helping the old man into bed but he falls and as he is on his hands and knees trying to get up, the orderly mounts him and violates him.

The next morning the son calls and is surprised to hear his father crying and begging to go home. “Dad, what could have happened to change your mind so quickly?”

“Son, it’s like this,” his father explains, “I only get aroused once a year, but I fall down nearly every day.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, “open the safe!”

“But this is not a real bank!” the woman replies “it’s a *sperm* bank.”

“Open the safe or I’ll shoot!” the man shouts. The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.

“Now take one of the bottles and drink it.”, he says.

“But sir, these are sperm samples!” the woman replies.

“Just drink it or I’ll shoot!”

The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. “Now take another bottle and drink it.”

“But sir, I just drank one!”

“Drink another one or I’ll shoot you!”

The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.

“Now you see, Honey”, he says, “it isn’t so difficult, is it?”

_______________________________

Smiling

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

“I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.” Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures – 25 cents.”

“Why not,” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents,”

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his “thing” into the opening – with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his “thingy” Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

OUCH!!!!

_______________________________

Smiling

A husband and wife noticed that their little boy’s penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast.

The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, “Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A guy walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and said “Can I buy you a drink?”

She replied “Yes you may, but you won’t get to first base with me.”

“And why not?” replied the guy.

“Because I’m a lesbian.” she replied.

“Oh, so you’re from Lebanon.”

“You don’t know what a lesbian is, do you?”

“No, I can’t say I do.” replied the guy.

“Let me try to explain.” said the blonde.

“You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long.” She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably.

“What’s the matter with you?!”

The guy slowly looked up at her and said “My GOD…I think I’m a lesbian, too!”

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Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

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SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
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