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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 10’

November 27, 2011
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 10:
Posted  28th Nov ’11
Smiling

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realises that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

In a condescending manner, she says “Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00”.

Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

“That’s obvious” the sales lady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

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Smiling

My First Time

The sky was dark, the moon was high, All alone, just her and I.

Her hair was so soft; her eyes so blue, I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft; her legs so fine; I ran my fingers down her spine.

I didn’t know how, but I tried my best; I started by placing my hands on her breast.

I remember my fear, my fast beating heart; But slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt so shame; All at once the white stuff came.

At last it’s all finished; it’s all over now. My first time ever at milking a cow.

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Smiling

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and softly says to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away. But, I must know. Did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for a moment, then she said, “Yes, yes he did.”

The old man was shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he expected. With a tear in his eye, his asked, “Who?, Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tried to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth. Then, finally, she says, “You”

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Smiling

The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it’s hanging around unemployed.

20% of the time it’s pissed off,

30% of the time it’s hard up,

10% of the time it’s in the hole.

On top of all this, it has two dependents and they are both nuts. Accordingly, starting January 1, 1998, penises will be taxed according to size!!

To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information of Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form. 10 to 12 Inches* Luxury Tax $50.00 8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $30.00 6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00 4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION!!!

* Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains.

Sincerely,

IDA WOODIE Pecker, Checker – Internal Revenue Service

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Smiling

A Polish girl’s visa ran out in New York City at the same time as her money. She was desperate to get back to Poland, and utterly penniless. It was in this condition that she was confronted by a man in sailor’s garb at the dock one day. After confiding in him, he proposed a solution to her problem.

“I will smuggle you aboard my ship tonight and hide you. Twice a day I will bring you food to keep you alive during our passage. All you have to do in return is give me a blowjob each time I bring the food. You won’t have to spend any money whatsoever.”

She agreed. And, true to his word, the sailor brought her a meal twice daily to her dark, quiet hiding place. She fulfilled her part of the bargain each visit.

After three weeks, though, the captain noticed his sailor’s odd routine, and followed him to the girl’s hiding spot, where he watch the exchange of food and semen.

After the sailor left, he confronted the stowaway, and she confessed everything to him. “Well, my dear,” he smiled, “that was damn decent of my crewman to take you under his wing, but I am afraid you are being taken advantage of by him. You see, this is the Staten Island ferry.

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Smiling

A guy is having marital problems. His wife was a bit of a flirt. He knew she would flirt with other men but he never knew how far she would take it. He felt lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”

The parrot says “With my prick, you dummy.”

The guy is startled and says “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”

The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”

The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.”

The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the pope did so and so. Slowly the guy begins to forget his worries with his wife.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says “Come in and shut the door.”

The guy says “What’s up?”

The parrot says “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”

The guy says “Oh, A momentary flight of passion.”

The parrot says “Then he fondled her breasts.”

The guy says “He did??!”

The parrot says “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”

The guy says “My God, what happened next???!!!”

The parrot says “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

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Smiling

Three guys go to a job interview. The man that’s giving the job interview doesn’t have any ears. The first guy goes into the office for his interview. The man says to him, “The job that you’re applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about me.”

So the guy says, “You ain’t got no ears!”

“Get out!!” screams the interviewer.

So, the next guy gets up and goes in. The interviewer says to the guy, “The job that you’re applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about me.”

The guy says, “You got no ears.”

“Get out!!!” screams the interviewer again.

Then the third guy gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, “The guy that’s giving the interview doesn’t have any ears and he’s kind of touchy about it.”

“Thanks for the tip” says the third guy.

So he goes in for the interview and again the man says, “The job that you are applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about me.”

So the guy stares at him a while and finally says “You’ve got contact lenses”.

The interviewer is impressed and says “Good observation, but how could you tell?”.

The guy says “Well you couldn’t wear glasses, you’ve got no fuckin ears”.

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SmilingBest/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog:

  1. A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending]
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Various – Little Johnny Jokes
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’

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