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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – V’

November 4, 2011
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Some Religious Humour – V:
Updated 5th Nov ’11
SmilingA Priest’s Choice:

A bunch of preachers are having a meeting in the rectory of a Catholic priest. Just as they’re silently tuning up for some heavy orations, the priest offers all of them a whiskey to ease tensions and get the smell of religious napalm out of the air.

“Don’t mind if I do, thanks,” says the Methodist vicar, who slugs down three fingers of Wild Turkey.

“And you?” asks the priest of the born-again minister.

“What?” the born-again shouts indignantly. “Drink alcohol? Why, I’d rather debauch in a whorehouse!”

At this the Methodist spits his whisky back into the glass and hollers, “Whoa! You mean we get a choice?”

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SmilingNo Title:

A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

He invites the fiancee to his study for schnapps. “So what are your plans?” the father asks the fiancee.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar.” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancee insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks “So? How did it go?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans. But the good news is, he thinks I’m God.”

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SmilingThe Bus Driver – a retake of the Taxi Driver:

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to.

She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can’t have sex with a married man because it would be a sin.

The bus driver says no problem, he’s not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass.

The bus drive agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When the were done and he had resumed driving the busdriver said, “Sister, I have a confession to make, I’m married and have three kid’s.”

The nun replied “That’s O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party.”

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SmilingHell:

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!”

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it. The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter and called him back.

“Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!”

“Of course, Sister,” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, “Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!”

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SmilingA sex Life summed up:

When the Lord was making the world he called man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life.

Man was horrified, but the creator refused to budge.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years.

“But I don’t need 20 years,” said the monkey.

“Ten years is plenty.”

Man spoke up and said: “May I have the other 10 years?”

The monkey agreed.

The Lord called on the Lion and also gave him 20 years. The Lion too, wanted only 10 years.

Again, man spoke up. “May I have the other 10 years?”

“Of course,” said the Lion.

Then came the Donkey, who was also given 20 years. Like the others, 10 years was enough for him. Man again asked for the spare 10 years, and he got them.

This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself.

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SmilingPearly Gates and the Cab Driver:

While riding in a car in a big city, The Pope and The President of the United States of America, Bill Clinton, were both killed in a fatal car accident.

Seconds later, the Pope ends up in hell with the huge fires and the Devil sitting at his desk checking people in.

The Devil says, “Next!” and the Pope steps up.

“I’m not supposed to be here, there must be a mistake, I’m the Pope, I’m totally sinless, I’m supposed to go to heaven!”

The Devil looks down into his paperwork and replies, “Oh, geez, my mistake, I’m sorry, go on over there to that elevator, it’ll take you up to heaven.

The Pope steps into the elevator and starts to ride it up to heaven. About halfway up, the Pope looks out the window of his elevator and sees Clinton going down the other Elevator.

The Pope yells out and says, “Hey Bill, I’m going to Heaven, I’m going to finally meet the Virgin Mary!”

To that, Clinton Replies, “To Late!”

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SmilingThe 8th Day:

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, God said.

Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”

Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.”

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SmilingWhere to for a holiday:

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, “You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?”

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, “How about Jupiter? It’s nice and warm there this time of the year.”

God shakes His head before saying, “No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.”

“Hmmm,” St. Peter reflects. “Well, how about Mercury?”

“No way!” God about screams. “It’s way too hot for me there!”

“I’ve got it,” St. Peter says, his face lighting up. “How about going down to Earth for your vacation?”

Chuckling, God remarks, “Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they’re STILL talking about it!”

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SmilingBest/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog:

  1. A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet – [over 9 million YouTube hits – must see the ending]
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Various – Little Johnny Jokes
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’

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