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EYE-BALL JokeZone Various 7

September 27, 2011
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone Various 7:
Posted September 17th ’11
Holy Prostitutes’

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye….It reads:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS – HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought…. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS – HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS -HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you my son?’

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….’

‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door…

This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

Submitted by Bucko.

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Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the
first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for
your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you; but I’ve never seen a
funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”, answered the man.

”What happened to her?”, the curious man asked.

The man replied, “She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog
turned on her.”

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between
the two men.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied, “Get in line.”

Submitted by Bucko.

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Turpentine v Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine… He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Vicar came along and asked the little boy what he had..

The little boy said, ‘This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called Turpentine.’

The Vicar said, ‘No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.’

The little boy replied, ‘If you rub turpentine on a cat’s arse, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson. ‘

Submitted by Warwick.

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The ABBO and the GAY MAN

It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Abbo.

He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the Abbo and whispered, “Do you want a blow job?”

The Abbo leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him.

He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the Abbo and said, “I’ve never seen you react as badly as that before.

What did he say to you?”

“I don’t know,” the Abbo replied.. “Something about a job.”

Submitted by Warwick.

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My Favourite Animal

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell in Love with her.

Joke 2

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.

He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

Submitted by Bucko.

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Duchess Julia!

Joke 1

Submitted by Warwick.

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Harry Truman

Thought you’d enjoy this!
It’s one you want your Children and Grandchildren to read. They won’t believe this happened, but it DID.

Joke 1

Harry & Bess (This seems unreal.)

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding the history of the USA as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri . His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an ‘allowance’ and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, “You don’t want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it’s not for sale.”
Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, “I don’t consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise.”

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale (cf. Illinois ).

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, “My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference!

I say dig him up and clone him!

If you agree, forward it. If you don’t, delete it. I don’t want to know one way or the other. By me forwarding it, you know how I feel.

Enjoy life NOW — it has an expiration date!

Submitted by Warwick.

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Saint Kevin of Norman

Last Saturday afternoon, in Canberra , an aide to Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in Canberra. He told the Cardinal that Kevin would be attending the next day’s Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point him out to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kevin a saint.

The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of his views.”

Rudd’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a Donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the Congregation you see Kevin as a saint.”

The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the Money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”

As the aide promised, Foreign Minister Rudd appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Mr Rudd was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, “While Mr Rudd’s presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not Numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of his most Egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to Flip- flop on many other issues. Kevin Rudd is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Kevin Rudd is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He Married for money and is using his wealth to lie to the Australian People. He also has a reputation for shirking his Representative Obligations both in Canberra , in Queensland and Overseas . The man is simply not to be trusted.”

The Cardinal concluded,”But, when compared With Prime Minister Gillard, Foreign Minister Rudd is a saint.”

Submitted by Warwick.

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What golf professionals due in their spare time

Submitted by Emily.

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Tee Rural Plane Crash

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor.

“John ” the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?” “Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.

“Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia”?

“Yep..”

“Were there any survivors?”

“Nope. They’s all got killed straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”

“Gillard is dead?” the inspector asked.

“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

“She kept saying she wasn’t… But you know what a lying bitch she is …

Submitted by Warwick.

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Tollerance

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney. I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, “The Turban Cowboy “, and the other a topless bar called “You Mecca Me Hot.”

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called “Iraq o’ Ribs.”

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret “, with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, “Koranal Knowledge “, its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called “Morehammered.”

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

Submitted by Warwick.

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St Peter Joke

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he
saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’

St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been
on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.’

‘Oh’, said the man. ‘Whose clock is that?’

‘That’s Mother Teresa’s’, replied St. Peter. ‘The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.’

‘Incredible’, said the man. ‘And whose clock is that one?’

St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.’

‘Where’s Julia Gillard’s clock?’ asked the man.

St Peter replied, ‘Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.’

Submitted by Colin.

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Defective Stamps:

Joke 1 Australia Post have created and marketed a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Ms Gillard. The prime minister had requested a recall of the stamps following concerns that they weren’t sticking.

Australia Post recently suspended a recall of the stamps after the findings of a special Senate Committee were released.

The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $1.85 million, a special Senate Committee led by the leader of the Greens, Bob Brown, presented the following findings –

1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

Submitted by Peter.

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Link to “JokeZone Index of Jokes”.

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