Home > The EYE-BALL JokeZone > EYE-BALL JokeZone Various 4:

EYE-BALL JokeZone Various 4:

June 27, 2011
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone Various 4:
Posted June 28th ’11

The Tattoo:


Barks
Barks is Is In The Hospital …

Who in the hell is Barks?

Well, Barks is the guy who gets home late one night and Kaye, his wife, says:
“Where the hell have you been?”

Barks replies …. “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?”

“Well, one – I like to watch my money grow… Two – once in a while I like to play with my money… Three – I like how money feels in my hand… And, lastly – instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

Barks is in the Bendigo Base Hospital , Room # 233 ! ! ! !

_______________________________

My daughter just walked into the living room and said “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to Lifeline or Vinnies. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. Oh yeah, and don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother”.

Well, she didn’t actually put it like that… she actually said…”Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed.”

_______________________________

A letter to Gillard the Goose…..

Dear Ms GILLARD,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing Australia’s economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 2 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

  • They MUST retire – two million job openings – unemployment fixed
  • They MUST buy a new Australian car. Two million cars ordered – car Industry fixed
  • They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – housing crisis fixed
  • They MUST send their kids/grandkids to school/college/university – Crime rate fixed
  • They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week…..and there’s your money back in duty/tax etc
  • Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading schemes that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.

It can’t get any easier than that!

… and if more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

Other points you might consider:

Pensioners

  • Put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home, then the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
  • They’d also receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc.
  • They’d have constant video monitoring so if assistance was needed they’d have immediate help.
  • Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be washed and ironed as needed.
  • There would be a guard to check on them every 20 minutes and staff to bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
  • They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
  • They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
  • Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.
  • There would be private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens for anyone who felt the need to exercise.
  • Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls and there would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and all guards would have a code of conduct that would have to be strictly adhered to.
  • The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised day and night. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week; live in a tiny room and pay$600.00 per week without any hope of ever getting out

_______________________________

Cows:

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that, during the mad cow epidemic, the English government could track a single cow, born almost three years ago in Appleby, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their individual stalls.. But Australia are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each illegal immigrant an English cow.

_______________________________

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this –

You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’, ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians….. It creates a hostile work environment.

_______________________________

The Magic Gopher:

This will drive you nuts …it’s really freaky and I haven’t a clue how this is done. Just click on the Magic Gopher link below ….

Magic Gopher.

_______________________________

Advertisements
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone
%d bloggers like this: