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EYE-BALL JokeZone – “Toothbrushes”

June 11, 2013 Comments off
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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Toothbrushes
Last Updated 11th June ’13
SmilingToothbrushes!!!

(Submitted by Dawn S.)

The kids filed into class Monday morning.  They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off.  “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30″ she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”  “Very good”, said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. “I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”   “Very good, Debbie”, said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.  Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.  “$2,467″, he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

Toothbrushes”, said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes”, echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town”, said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”

They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!”

Then I would say, “It is dog poop, you wanna buy a toothbrush?”

I used the Juliar Gillard(Oz Prime Minister) method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.


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SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format.You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – The Promised Land

May 8, 2013 Comments off
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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘The Promised Land’
Last Updated 8th May ’13
SmilingThe Promised Land!!!

(Submitted by Colin S.)

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel …

“Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

Whitlam said to the people of Australia …

Put down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today, Gillard has ….

Stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, put camels in plain packaging, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the carbon tax, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, and retirement funds, I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English, and I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck …..


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Please – if you found this post to your liking and would like to promote it to your social media contacts – i.e. Twitter, Facebook, or other icon linked account below – please click your favoured Icon(s) to promote the story. Thankyou.

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:
  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – Nelson at Trafalgar 2013!!!

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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Nelson at Trafalgar 2013′
Last Updated 4th May ’13
SmilingNelson at Trafalgar 2013!!!

(Submitted by Roland A.)

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on, this isn’t what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): ” … England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ – What gobbledygook is this for God’s sake?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it full speed ahead.”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”

Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”

Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No, sir.. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”

Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”

Nelson: “In that case………………. Kiss me, Hardy.”


Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

Please – if you found this post to your liking and would like to promote it to your social media contacts – i.e. Twitter, Facebook, or other icon linked account below – please click your favoured Icon(s) to promote the story. Thankyou.

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – Julia at the Pearly Gates – Heaven or Hell!!!

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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Julia at the Bank’:
Last Updated 1st May ’13
SmilingJulia at the Pearly Gates – Heaven or Hell!!!

(Submitted by Adian B.)

While on her morning ride on her broomstick, Prime Minister Julia Gillard falls off, has a heart attack and dies because the ‘accident and emergency’ dept at her nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat her in time.

So her soul arrives in Heaven and she is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Welcome to Heaven,’ says Saint Peter, ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,’ says the PM.

‘I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.’

‘But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,’ replies Gillard.

‘I’m sorry .. But we have our rules,’ Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts her to a lift and she goes down, down, down ….all the way to Hell.

The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22°C. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it are Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped her out over the years — Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc., even Kevin Rudd – The whole of the Labor Party leaders were there (and all the socialists from other parts of the world..)

Everyone is laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet her, to hug her (except Rudd who is still recovering from the stab wounds to his back!! ) and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of ‘suckers and peasants.’

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Gillard with a frosty drink, ‘Have a tequila and relax, Julia!’

‘Uh, I can’t drink anymore; I took a pledge,’ says Gillard, dejectedly.

‘This is Hell, ma’am. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!’

Gillard takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like herself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labor Party pulled at the last election with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, National Broadband Network, Petrol prices, Carbon Tax, Mining Tax, Budget Surpluses, Solar schemes, National Broadband, Health Rebate, and Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great  time that, before she realises it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug (except Rudd!) and waves as she steps into the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopen, she is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for her. ‘Now it’s time to visit Heaven,’ the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Gillard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other’s company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. She doesn’t see anybody she knows and she isn’t even treated like someone special!

‘Whoa,’ she says uncomfortably to herself. ‘Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!’

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, ‘Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.’

With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background, Gillard reflects for a minute  … Then answers:

‘Well, I would never have thought I’d say this — I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all — but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.’

So Saint Peter escorts her to the lift and down she goes, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Gillard and puts an arm around her shoulder.’ I don’t understand,’ stammers a shocked Gillard, ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila.  We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!’

The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly and purrs, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!


Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

Please – if you found this post to your liking and would like to promote it to your social media contacts – i.e. Twitter, Facebook, or other icon linked account below – please click your favoured Icon(s) to promote the story. Thankyou.

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – Various 30

February 11, 2013 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
- EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 30:
Posted 11th Feb 2013

Submitted by Aidan B.

RULES FOR ONLINE DATING Rule #1 – Always ask for a photo.

Rule # 2 – Always ask for more than one photo.

THIS CONCLUDES YOUR TRAINING FOR TODAY……..THANK YOU


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775′, he said.

‘Very good!’

Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863′.

‘Excellent!’, said the teacher continuing, ‘let’s try one a bit more difficult…’

Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’

Once again, Hodiaki’s was the only hand in the air and he said:

‘John F. Kennedy, 1961′.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . k the Japs,’

‘Who said that? I want to know right now!’ she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, ‘General MacArthur, 1945.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glared around and asks, ‘All right! Now who said that!?’

Again, Little Hodiaki said, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yelled, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,

‘Oh shit, We’re screwed!’

Little Hodiaki said quietly, ‘The Australian people, 2011.’


Submitted by Adian B.

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA . (“Pommie” – English immigrant.)

August 31 – Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful.

I’ve finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th – Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th – The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I
expected.

October 15th – Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

October 20th – Didn’t notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I’ve earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 – This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin’ blow dryer. And it’s hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin’ Perth ….

October 30th – The temperature’s up around 40 and the parts still haven’t arrived for the fuckin’ aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 – Finally got the ol’ aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8 – If one more smart arse says ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to fuckin’ throttle him. Fuckin’ heat! By the time I get to work, the car’s radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin’ wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol’ car. I thought my fuckin’ arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin’ arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10 – Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin’ recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin’ sunny! It’s been too hot to do anything for two fuckin’ months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15 – Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn fuckin’ place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin’ pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin’ flies. You don’t dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!

November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin’ degrees today. Now the air conditioner’s gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin’ Karratha! What kind of sick, demented fuckin’ idiot would want to live here!

December 1 – WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin’ kidding!

___________________

Confucious says: ‘Choose a job you Love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.’


Submitted by Peter R.

NAG, NAG, NAG!

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’


Submitted by Aidan B…

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed..

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.’

‘The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked.

‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’


Submitted by Aidan B.

HELL EXPLAINED … BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …..leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

A Soldier’s Wife Confesses

This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government Underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office .

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers In full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.

It was then that I realized how far Australia’s military had deteriorated..
Every one of them missed the bitch.


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

Gillard replied, “I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope backhanded her!


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that’s easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

I beg to differ because, there is!!!

When you marry the right woman, you are “COMPLETE”… And when you marry the wrong one, you are “FINISHED”! And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are … “COMPLETELY FINISHED” !!


Submitted by Aidan B.

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

‘Please ….. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?


Submitted by Colin S.

Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong, Victoria. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night..”

Dad & Dave replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already..”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Dad said, “We’re gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Dad said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.

“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Dad said,”Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.”

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Dave said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”

Dad & Dave now work for the Gillard government.

They’re financial advisers to Wayne Swan Australia ‘s finance minister.


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SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – Various 29

February 7, 2013 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
- EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 29:
Posted 7th Feb 2013
SmilingSubmitted by Adian B.

Australian government at work

You will love this one, I haven’t stopped laughing …

For those of you who have never travelled to the country , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the “guards,” probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

In 2008, Kevin Rudd received and was reading a report that there were over 10,000 cattle guards over main roads in NSW & Queensland. Graziers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!!

Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Minister for Employment Julia Gillard, intervened with a request that before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

And now she is running the country. (Well, that’s up for interpretation also).


Smiling

Submitted by Adian B.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his ‘manhood’ into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his ‘member’.

He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

‘Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?’

‘Don’t worry,’ replied the customer service rep, ‘The machine will release automatically once it’s collected two gallons.’

Ouch … you all have a nice day…..


Submitted by Dawn S.

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing? “The cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so Piss off and wait for a camel!”


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

Larry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll try being a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Larry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks “How much?

“She says, “A hundred dollars.”

He replies, “All I got is thirty.”

She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Larry and asks, “What now. What can he get for thirty?”

“A hand job,” Larry replied.

So, she runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. “I’ll be right back.”

She runs back to Larry. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars ?”


Submitted by Adian B.

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. she never did it around anyone else. One day she called me and asked me to come over. ‘To check my Sister’s wedding- invitations’ she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn’t overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom” she said. “If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, ‘Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.’

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.


Submitted by Adian B.

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. “You’ll be fine,” he said.

She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl…

“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”


Submitted by Kevin O. [R.I.P].

Carbon tax explained

I think I get it, but I might be wrong. From what I understand, the government proposes to collect tax from the carbon emitters who will pass the cost of the tax onto us, so it really won’t cost the emitters anything.

Then the Government will compensate we dumb huddled masses with a tax rebate paid with the money they collect from the emitters, so it won’t cost us anything either.

So no-one will be out of pocket, there will be no change in the amount of carbon emitted but at least a whole bunch of otherwise unemployable public servants and political party comrades will be employed to supervise the transfer of the money between the accounts.

It’s just like moving a dead body to a new coffin, hoping it will come back to life.

I think I’ve got it but you might feel you need to correct me. However you might as well save your energy in case someone puts a tax on it.


Submitted by Audrey R..

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.
‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks… They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. .. …. You just caught my eye!


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves….and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas.


Submitted by Kevin O. [R.I.P.]

When Love Fades…

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s’ sweet voice from the kitchen.

“What would you like to have for dinner my Love, chicken, beef or lamb?”

I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”

She replied “You’re having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat.”


Submitted by Warwick Mc.

The Best Bar Joke Ever

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.

The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Schooner of New”

The robot brings back the best beer ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says,” 168.”

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious…So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Schooner of New”

Again, the robot pours a great beer and gives it to the man and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “100.”

The robot then starts to talk about V8 Super cars, MotoGP, Tooheys beers and Supercheap Auto.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Schooner of New,” and the robot brings him another great beer.

The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”

The robot leans in real close and asks,

“So, you people still happy you voted for Gillard?”


Submitted by Dawn S.

… and the best kept to last …

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, “I am the prime
Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia’s people don’t want me to die.”
She took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third passenger, Bob Brown, said, “I’m the leader of the Australian Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me.” So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped .

The fourth passenger, ex-PM John Howard, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”

The little girl said, “That’s okay, Mr. Howard. There’s a parachute left for you. Australia’s smartest woman took my schoolbag!”


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SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

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SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – Various 28

December 3, 2012 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
- EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 28:
Posted 3rd Dec 2012
SmilingNo matter what your job, you should always try and make it interesting – submitted by Peter R.


Smiling
This would have to be THE 2013 Election Poster – submitted by Warwick M.



Submitted by Kevin O. (R.I.P. Sep 2012)



Submitted by Kevin O. (R.I.P. Sep 2012)

Instructions:

  1. Stare at the red dot on the girl’s nose for 30 seconds.
  2. Turn your eyes to a plain surface (your ceiling or blank wall).
  3. Blink repeatedly and quickly.

Well ……… isn’t the koolest thing?



Submitted by Adian B.

Are you aware that a new World record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a KNEELING position?

The record (0.757 meters) – remember this is from a KNEELING position – was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France.

The photograph below was taken a split second before the jump – but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved …

Is rude … click here to see reason for the new high jump record from a kneeling position.


Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 27′

November 7, 2012 1 comment
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 27:
Posted 7th Nov 2012
Smiling

DEAR DIARY – submitted by Gerry Hatrick

DAY 1 -

All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.

Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter – The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip. It will be my first one – and I can’t wait!

DEAR DIARY – DAY 2 -

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 3 -

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 4 -

Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 5 -

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.  Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship…..I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives … Twice.
_______________________________

Smiling

Bill Bill Gates – Brilliant … – submitted by Colin Spencer.

This should be posted in every school or kid’s bedroom.

Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this.!!!

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school.  He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings
created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn’t care about your self-esteem.  The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right o ut of high school.  You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.  Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault,  so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. *This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. *Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life.  In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds.   Chances are you’ll end up working for one..

If you can read this… Thank a Teacher.  If you can read this in English… Thank a Soldier!
And for life and everything else you have… Thank God!!

Now…. think about this and smile if you agree and please pass this on….

If you don’t agree, go stick your head in the SAND and take a DEEP BREATH.!!!!

_______________________________

Smiling

Political Joke – submitted by Peter Ramsay.

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in  the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned  home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12  year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows  up.  She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some  day.

Both of her parents – Socialist Labor – were standing  there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would  be the first thing you  would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the  homeless people.”

Her parents beamed with pride!

“Wow!  what a worthy goal!” I said. “But you  don’t have to wait until you’re Prime Minister to do that!” I  told her.

“What do you mean?” she replied.

So I told her, “You can come over to my house and mow  the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I’ll pay you  $50.  Then you can go over to the grocery store where  the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use  toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she  looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the  homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay  him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Liberal Party.”

Her parents aren’t speaking to me.

_______________________________

Smiling

Bill Cosby – “I’m 74 and Tired”  (Born July 12, 1937) – submitted by Emily

This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in Jamaica,
the UK , United States of America , Canada , Australia and New Zealand

“I’m 74 and I’m Tired”

I’m 74.  Except for brief period in the 50′s when I was doing my National Service, I’ve worked hard since I was 17. Except for some serious health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn’t call in sick in nearly 40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn’t inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as though retirement was a bad idea, and I’m tired. Very tired.

I’m tired of being told that I have to “spread the wealth” to people who don’t have my work ethic. I’m tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy to earn it.

I’m tired of being told that Islam is a “Religion of Peace,” when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family “honor”; of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren’t “believers”; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for “adultery”; of Muslims mutilating the
genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur’an and Shari’a law tells them to.

I’m tired of being told that out of “tolerance for other cultures” we must let Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia , New Zealand, UK, America and Canada , while no one from these countries are allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other Arab country to teach love and tolerance..

I’m tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I’m tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?

I’m tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I’m tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.

I’m really tired of people who don’t take responsibility for their lives and actions. I’m tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination or big-whatever for their problems.

I’m also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and early 20′s be-deck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.

Yes, I’m damn tired. But I’m also glad to be 74. Because, mostly, I’m not going to have to see the world these people are making. I’m just sorry for my granddaughter and her children. Thank God I’m on the way out and not on the way in.

There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us sends it on!

_______________________________

Smiling

Shorties …

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:  “Windows frozen.”

Husband texts back: “Pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back: “Computer completely stuffed now.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A friend just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It’s doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

_______________________________

Smiling

The first testicular guard (“box”) was used in cricket in 1874/

And the first helmet was used in 1974.

So, it took 100 years for men to realise that their brains could be as important as their balls!

_______________________________

Smiling

An Arab enters a taxi……….

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel’s and certainly no radio ……..

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “Watt are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.

So get out and wait for a camel.”

_______________________________

Smiling

This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Hampshire, England who won the World’s Shortest Essay competition. He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his imagination and humour….

Here’s an example of absolute brilliance……

Shortest Essay:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

1) Religion

2) Royalty

3) Physical Disability

4) Racism

5) Homosexuality

The prize-winner wrote:

‘My God,’ cried the Queen, ‘That one-legged nigger is a poof’.
_______________________________

Smiling
Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still Heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my Testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’

He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles Black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely….. .

‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – back ?

_______________________________

SmilingDad and Dave Buy A Cow. – submitted by Colin Spencer.

Dad and Dave saw an ad for a cow in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong, Victoria, and bought the cow for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the cow the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellas, I have some bad news, the cow died last night.”

Dad replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead cow.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ gunna do with a dead cow?”

Dad said, “We’re gunna raffle her off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead cow!”

Dad said, “We sure can! Hell, we don’t have ta tell anybody she’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad and Dave at the local grocery store and asked, “What’d you fellas ever do with that dead cow?”

They said, “We raffled her off just like we said we were gunna do.”

Dad said, “Bloody hell, we sold 500 tickets for two dollars each and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said, “Holy shit, didn’t anyone complain?”

Dave said, “Well, the bloke who won got upset. So we gave him his two bucks back.”

Dad and Dave now work for the Gillard government in Canberra. Working on the mining tax and carbon tax, are financial advisers to Wayne Swan Australia’s Greatest Treasurer.
_______________________________

Smiling

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to Maria about the raise.

The wife asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you..”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban did”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he???”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora……. The gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

_______________________________

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Julia at the Bank’…

August 4, 2012 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Julia at the Bank’:
Last Updated 4th Aug ’12
SmilingJulia at the Bank:(Submitted by Warwick M.)

Prime Minister Gillard walks into the Commonwealth Bank of Australia to cash a cheque.  As she approaches the cashier she says “Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me”?

Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Miss. Could you please show me your ID?”

Gillard: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to.  I am Prime Minister Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia !!!”

Cashier: “Yes  Miss, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID.”

Gillard: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.    Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: “I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Gillard: “I am urging you please to cash this cheque.”

Cashier: “Look Prime Minister this is what we can do: One day Adam Scott came into the bank without ID.   To prove he was Adam Scott he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.   With that shot we knew him to be Adam Scott and cashed his cheque.  Another time, Pat Rafter came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.   With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque…  So, Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of Australia ?”

GILLARD  stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: “Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind.  I can’t think of a single thing I’m good at.”

Cashier: “Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?”

_______________________________

SmilingBest/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog:

  1. A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet - [over 9 million YouTube hits - must see the ending]
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Various – Little Johnny Jokes
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’

Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Wives & Husbands Shopping’:

April 25, 2012 1 comment
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Wives & Husbands Shopping’:
Last Updated 25th Apr 2012
SmilingWives & Husbands Shopping: – submitted by Warwick M.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15.. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’

One of the clerks passed out.

_______________________________

SmilingBest/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog:

  1. A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet - [over 9 million YouTube hits - must see the ending]
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Various – Little Johnny Jokes
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’

Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Australian Bush Poetry’

April 25, 2012 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Australian Bush Poetry’:
Last Updated 25th Apr ’12
SmilingAustralian bush poetry: – Submitted by Aidan B.

The country was in a terrible state,
As the Parliament sat for the Budget Debate.
It was quite a few minutes before Gillard spoke,
Then she said, ‘Sex will cost you two bucks a poke,

Whether you’re short, skinny or thick.
A tax will be paid on the use of your prick’.
Penny Wong rose and said ‘Julia look here,
Will this tax apply to those who are queer?’

Greenie Bob Brown looked rather glum,
‘May I be exempt, I only like bum.’
Julia replied and sounded quite airy
‘You’ll pay double you dirty old fairy’

Up rose Tony Abbott, to tremendous applause
Grabbed Julie Bishop and ripped off her drawers
He straddled across her and screwed her at will
Then shouted to Gillard, ‘Put that on the Bill’!

Wayne Swan shouted, ‘I think I’ll resign,
I haven’t had sex for a very long time.
I dream every night of a big juicy crutch,
But two bucks a go ..  that’s too bloody much.’

The House was in uproar, the fighting went on,
Till Turnbull banged on the Bar with his dong,
‘With a tax on a poke in the front and the back
All we can do is have a good whack.’

I disagree said Joyce with a leer,
And stuck his big prick into Bob Katter’s ear.
The backbenchers came and the Cabinet went
Rudd took his out and found it was bent.

‘Look here’, he cried as it swung in the air,
‘For those who are bent a discount is fair.’
So all checked their dicks, the Speaker was last,
And in the excitement, the damn Bill was passed.

So now in the beds of Australia at night,
There’s many a fanny that’s closed up real tight.
They’re taxing our booze and taxing our smokes
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes.

If two bucks a head is the price we must pay
It’s now with ourselves we find we must play
To quench our frustrations we must have a wank
And for the state of our Country – we’ve Gillard to thank!

_______________________________

SmilingBest/most visited Joke’s to date at the EYE-BALL JokeZone’s Blog:

  1. A must see ‘YouTube Video’ – Shark Ballet - [over 9 million YouTube hits - must see the ending]
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Various – Little Johnny Jokes
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’

Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Sex in the Office’

The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone -
‘Sex in the Office’ –
Posted  3rd Mar ’12
SmilingJohnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else…

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, ‘I’ll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, ‘I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, ‘Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his Pants down.’

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, He’s still going, I’m still bent over picking up the money – the bastard used coins!’

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

_______________________________

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 26′

The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 26:
Posted  2nd Mar ’12
Smiling

Once there was a sperm named Stanley, who lived inside a famous athlete. Stanley himself was a very healthy sperm. He would do push-ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.

One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day.

Stanley said, “Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right time comes, I am going to be that ONE.”

A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they knew that it was going to be their time to go. They were released abruptly and sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others… All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might…. “GO BACK! GO BACK!’ he screamed….. IT’S A BLOW JOB!!!

_______________________________

Smiling

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend.

When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

She says, “Well just put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch the guy goes out to chop some more wood and comes back saying, “Man, my hands are really freezing!”

She says again “Well just put them here between my thighs again and that will warm them up.”

He does and again it warms his hands up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood up to get them through the night. When he returns, he says once more “Honey, my hands are really really freezing!”

She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

_______________________________

Smiling

Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence.

The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR.

Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R.

Then to use it in a sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint to little Suzy and said “Ear” …………..

_______________________________

Smiling

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a chemist, and the fourth a government worker.

To show off the engineer called his dog, “T-square do your stuff”. T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff”. Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog, “Measure do your stuff”. Measure walked over to the ice box and took out a quart of milk. He got a 10 oz glass and poured exactly 8 ounces of milk without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The three men turned to the government worker and asked – “What can your dog do?”

The government worker called his dog, “Coffee break do your stuff”. Coffee break jummed to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a dump on the paper, sexually assaulted the three other dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, and put in for workmans compensation.

He then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was smart.

_______________________________

Smiling

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times”

_______________________________

Smiling

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.

As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, “You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge.”

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, “You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon.”

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, “You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. “What’s wrong, Sam?” they asked.

“You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?” Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, “I just saw my wife go by on a skate board.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine.

“Certainly, sir. Right this way,” says the salesman. “How many cows will you be milking?”

“Just one,” says the farmer.

“Oh,” says the salesman. “Well, sir, I really wouldn’t recommend a milking machine for only one cow. You could milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to set up the machine and clean it afterwards.”

“I said I want a milking machine. Now, are you going to sell me one, or not?” the farmer replies indignantly.

“Well, sure, I’ll sell you one if that’s what you want. Just making sure, that’s all,” says the salesman.

The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the farmer picks one out, after reiterating to the salesman that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he only has one cow. After he’s rung up the sale, the salesman’s curiosity gets the best of him.

“Sir, if you don’t mind my asking, why are you so insistent on buying this milking machine even after all I’ve said?”

“Well,” says the farmer, “I got a new cow a couple of weeks ago. The first time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left side and she put her left foot in the bucket. The next day, I tried milking her from the right side and she put her right foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried milking her from behind and she put her tail in the bucket. The next day, being fed up, I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn, her right leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to the rafter. Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do was milk that cow, I won’t need this milking machine.”

_______________________________

Smiling

Little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom says, “No, because the dog is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your Father. I think he’s in the garage”.

Little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you”.

Dad said, “Bring Susie over here”. He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s butt with it and said, “Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block”.

Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, “Where’s Susie?”

Little girl said, “Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there’s another dog pushing her home”.

_______________________________

Smiling

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you’re bouncing up and down on him.”

His mom is taken by surprise and says, “Oh…well…ah….well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”

And the boy says, “Well, that won’t work!”

His mom says, “Why?!?”

And the boy replies, “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!”

_______________________________

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 25′

March 2, 2012 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 25:
Posted  2nd Mar ’12
Smiling

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson.

One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker’s trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house.

Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes.

After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family and no one says a word.!!!

Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone… and no one says a word…!!!!

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on her table. They have even wilder sex and no one says a word…!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when suddenly he hears thunder in the distance… His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline…..and the father says, “Okay dammit…………. I’ll do the dishes.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A couple are driving along the freeway somewhere on the Nullarbor Plain and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything … the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc … and his wife is getting the absolute shits with his depressing talk.

So she says to him: “One more complaint and I’ll cut your penis off with my Swiss Army knife”.

About half an hour later, sure as nuts he starts complaining again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guys little Richard off and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple’s car is a family of three … husband wife and their 8 year old daughter. The penis suddenly lands on their car’s windscreen and the father, in an absolute panic as he doesn’t want his daughter to see quickly puts the windscreen wipers on to get the dick off the windscreen and out of the view of his daughter.

The daughter asks: “Daddy, what was that?”

Her father, still in a panic, replies ” Oh it was only a … uh …butterfly my dear”.

Says the daughter “Well F*** ME! Did you see the size of its cock!”

_______________________________

Smiling

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles … the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?”.

He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!”

_______________________________

Smiling

A Texas engineer while in Japan for some meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.

Although, the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling “Gama Su!, Gama Su!”.

Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese engineering colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese.

Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling “Gama Su! Gama Su!”.

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked: “Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?”

_______________________________

Smiling

Check this out. BEST EVER COMEBACK LINE

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.

Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.

“You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”.

“I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Davidson) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. “I just went up and said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?”

He got real surprised, as you’d expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said…

“A pumpkin!? Damn… is it midnight already?”

_______________________________

Smiling

Once in a medieval times…there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night.

He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest “weapon”.

The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon…he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered…the women swooned…the children waved multi- colored banners…and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered…the women swooned…the children waved multi-colored banners… and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority…the King finally spoke out.

“I have the mightiest weapon of them all!” He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered…the women swooned…the children waved multi-colored banners…and the band played “God Save the Queen.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive.

A clerk came up and asked if there’s something he could help her with.

“I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!” She says.

“Well,” said the clerk, “I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?”

“$50.00?? For a Frog??” said the woman.

The clerk said, “It’s a special frog. It’s gives blowjobs.”

So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the strange gift frog, and they’re both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning, she wakes up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what’s going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

“What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?” says the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, “Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!!!”

_______________________________

Smiling

A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.

The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.”

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife’s panties, and gave her oral sex.

She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he’d be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

“How did you get in here?” he asked. “Shhhhh!!!” she replied, “you’ll wake-up my mother!”

_______________________________

Smiling

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.

“I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said. “No ma’am” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.”

_______________________________

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 2nd Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  4. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  5. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  6. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke
  8. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Golf – Everything that is important in life …’

February 5, 2012 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Golf – Everything that is important in life …
Posted 5th Feb ’12
This explains it all … GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS…
This was sent in by Peter R. … thanks Peter and may the Golfing Gods be with you and your Partners Colin S. – Eric and company …

Smiling

  • Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer….
  • Golf ! You hit down to make the ball go up.
  • You swing left and the ball goes right.
  • The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
  • Golf is harder than baseball.
  • In Golf, you have to play your foul balls.
  • If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip…your life is in trouble.
  • Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot…
  • The term ‘mulligan’ is really a contraction of the phrase ‘maul it again…’
  • A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very well …
  • An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
  • Golf’s a hard game to figure…
  • One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.
  • The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
  • If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game …
  • Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
  • Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive…
  • The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.

SENIOR’S DAY AT THE COURSE

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex…

  1. #10… A below par performance is considered damn good.
  2. #09… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
  3. #08… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
  4. #07… Foursomes are encouraged.
  5. #06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.
  6. #05… Three times a day is possible.
  7. #04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
  8. #03… If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
  9. #02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
  10. #01… And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…

#01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

_______________________________

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 15th Dec 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand alone Joke – Socially Unacceptable Humour
  4. Stand Alone Joke – The CIA Admission Test
  5. Stand Alone Joke – Santa Clause – an Engineer’s Perspective
  6. Stand Alone Joke – Various – 18
  7. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  8. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  9. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – A Deserted Island Joke

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Click here to see the EYE-BALL JokeZone Index:

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!! If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL Opinion
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