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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 11′

November 29, 2011 Comments off
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EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Various – 11:
Posted  29th Nov ’11
SmilingThree ducks arrive at the Police station. In deciding why they’re here, a police officer goes up to the first duck and says “What’s your name??”The duck replies “Quack”.

The police officer then asks “And why are you here ??”

The duck says “For blowing bubbles in the pond.”

“Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That’s illegal!! That’s a $50.00 fine!!”

The duck agrees to pay the fine. The police officer goes up to the second duck and says “What’s your name??”

The duck replies “Quack Quack”.

The police officer then asks “And why are you here??”

The duck says “For blowing bubbles in the pond.”

“Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That’s illegal!! That’s a $50.00 fine!!”

The duck agrees to pay the fine. The police officer goes up to the third duck and says “And your name must be Quack Quack Quack”.

The duck replies “No, it’s Bubbles”.

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Smiling

There was once a competition involving three gruelling tests. The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1. Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go

2. Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3. And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many people bravely tried their hands (or should I say mouths) at it.  Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could reach the third stage.

And then, one fine day, a nonchalant Sardar walked into the contest. Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five gulps.

Then he said , “Bhale changhe hai hum, thagde hai. Bathao, lion kahan hai ” (I’m fine, where is the lion!)

When shown the room, he coolly walked in. There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it. Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the Sardar and growls of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar from the Lion. The audience waited with bated breath, their hair stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar stopped.

An eerie silence prevailed. As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the Sardar. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out – victorious nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a battle. And then he asked, “Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?”

_______________________________

Smiling

A rich oil sheikh was visiting the White House to discuss the oil trade with political bigwigs. His personal servant was attending to the sheikh’s every need, as was customary and expected.

The sheikh, never having tasted salted peanuts before, took an instant liking to them, and began munching them like you wouldn’t believe. Naturally, the salt made the sheikh thirsty, and he called to his servant to get him some water. His servant left the room and came back with a glass of nice, cold water.

Munching some more on the peanuts, the sheikh got thirsty again, and called to his servant to get him another glass of water. The servant immediately complied with his master’s wishes, and returned in a jiffy with another glass of water.

Really taken by the peanuts, the sheikh virtually stuffed himself on them, and got a healthy thirst to match. He called to his servant to get him some more water, and off the servant went. This time, he came back empty-handed. The servant apologized profusely, and begged his master’s forgiveness.

Furious, the sheikh yelled and screamed at his servant, “You son of a flea-infested camel, why can’t you bring me my water?!?”

“But Master”, begged the servant, “I cannot bring you your water because a white man sits on the well…”

_______________________________

Smiling

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says “OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money.”

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says “OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house.”

Still no one moves. “OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes.”

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. “OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own.”

“Splash!” Someone’s in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he’s all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.

“That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?”

“I don’t want the money.”

“Do you want the house now or later?”

“I don’t want the house.”

“Do you want the cars and planes now or later?”

“I don’t want the cars or the planes.”

“Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?”

“I don’t want that either.”

“Do you want the drugs now or later?”

“I don’t want the drugs.”

“Do you want the girls now or later?”

“I don’t want the girls.”

The rich guy looks at him and says “Well what the hell do you want?!?!”

“I want the bastard that pushed me in.”

_______________________________

Smiling

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife’s business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.

The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife’s screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can’t rise to the occasion.

So the doctor says he’ll perform the deed if the husband and wife don’t object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn’t stop and withdraw but continues with vigor.

The husband shouts, “What the hell’s happening?”

To which the doctor replies, “Change of plan. I’m going to drown the bastard!”

_______________________________

Smiling

One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush. “What are they doing, Dad?” asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them.

“They, um, they’re making a puppy” said the boy’s father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly. A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by his parents’ room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way.

His father looked up and saw his son – instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy’s mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.

“What were you doing to Mom, Dad?” asked the little boy, who still wasn’t sure what he saw.

“Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby – you know, maybe a brother or sister for you” said the boy’s father now confident that this would satisfy his son’s curiosity.

“Oh” said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. “Y’know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please – I’d rather have a puppy”.

_______________________________

Smiling

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before.

Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father’s death, the male whale says to the female “Let’s go underneath the ship and blow air through our blowholes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales.”

The female whale agrees to this, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells “They’re going to shore – Let’s go gobble them up!”

Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: “Look”, she says, “I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I’m going to swallow seamen!”

Three men were flying in small aircraft, about 10.000 feet above the sea level. As they did fly above the clouds, they didn’t see, where exactly they were. So the first man put his hand out of the cockpit window and pulled it back in 10 seconds.

He said: “We must be above England… You see – my hand is moistured.. Its moistured, because England is always so foggy.”

Some time later second man in the airplane put his hand out of the cockpit window. When he pulled his hand back in, he said: “I’m quite sure we are above France right now… Smell my hand… You can feel the scent of the perfumes!”

After some time the third man put his hand out… He pulled it back and said: “We MUST be over Russia right now… Someone just stole my Rolex”

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SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 29th Nov 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  4. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  5. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  6. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  8. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Religious Humour – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – A Genie Joke –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index

Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone

EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Santa Clause – An Engineer’s Perspective’

November 29, 2011 Comments off
The-EYE-BALL-JokeZone
EYE-BALL JokeZone – ‘Santa Clause – An Engineer’s Perspective’:
Posted 29th Nov ’11
Smiling Santa Clause – An Engineer’s Perspective:

  1. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
  2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.  Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second — 3,000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
  3. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them — Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
  4. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
  5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now!

Merry Christmas – sorry to be a party pooper!

_______________________________

SmilingMost Popular/Visited EYE-BALL JokeZone links as at – 29th Nov 2011:

  1. Stand Alone Joke – Little Johnny and Sis’
  2. YouTube Post – ‘Charlie Sheen and his Goddesses’ – as real as it gets …
  3. Stand Alone Joke – Moral Story – Bullshit’s Reward –
  4. Various – More ‘Little Johnny’ Jokes – 1
  5. Stand Alone Joke – PM Gillard and some of her Cartoons –
  6. Stand Alone Joke – One night stand court case –
  7. Stand Alone Joke – Some Blond Jokes – I –
  8. Stand Alone Joke – Anger Management –
  9. Stand Alone Joke – Some Religious Humour – I –
  10. Stand Alone Joke – A Genie Joke –

If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.

Back to EYE-BALL JokeZone Index

SmilingThe EYE-BALL JokeZone Index is an Australian produced site and presents a collection of Australian and International humour alike. You’ll find the content either in Joke format, a Video or YouTube upload, or in some stunningly beautiful Nature and other Worldly images presented in PPS format. You’ll also find some inter-active stuff if you’re so inclined. Bookmark the site and come back often as content is continuously being added and highlighted with “NEW”. Hope you smile a lot – it is about the only thing that keeps this World together … let humour do it for you and be happy !!!  If you want to contribute and send content – please use this E-Mail Address: – be sure to include your ‘handle’ or name for accreditation purposes … all messages will be reviewed for suitability – no Porn, explicit violence or abuse please.
Categories: The EYE-BALL JokeZone
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